


Cold Little Heart

by Spoofy



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Adult Content, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, Germany, Love, Music, OFC - Freeform, OMC - Freeform, Sex, Smut, Start of Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-02-26 06:43:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoofy/pseuds/Spoofy
Summary: During a night at the bar with old friends, a young woman makes new friends and a possible love interest. Will he be enough to escape the pain of her past?





	1. Chapter 1

The city feels so alive as we walk arm and arm down the sidewalk on this breezy October evening. I notice Kyle glance over at me and he smiles. I know that his sudden happy expressions don't come lightly. My very tall, very skinny friend usually broods but he must be really happy tonight.

"What?" I finally ask.

He smiles even larger and starts laughing, the ends of his longish brunette hair sticking out from under his beanie flowing as a gust of wind rolls by. "I'm just so happy to have a night off. Promise me we'll drink until we puke tonight."

I automatically gag at the thought. I did a lot of partying after high school when I lived back home and then slowed down but now that we live in Berlin, my drinking habit has come back with a little more force. This is especially due to how hard we've worked since getting here six months earlier.

"I will absolutely not promise that. It's just not as fun getting black out drunk at 25," I reply, my stomach churning at the thought of older times. It's amazing how we survived the constant parties after we graduated. I'm surprised that I'm still standing here. Kyle and I were very fond of breaking the rules and getting into trouble, one of the reasons we're so incredibly close. My mind snaps back to reality after daydreaming of past times.

"Do you know what time Ashley is going to come meet us," I ask, nearly avoiding running into an older gentleman walking the opposite way. I give him a smile and nod as an apology but he keeps walking. It's so exciting that my best friend came all the way to Germany for her vacation. She could have went anywhere else but she missed me so much that she wanted to come see me. It's going to be so great having the only family I have in the same city, the possibility of being drunk getting higher by the minute.

"She said she was going to sleep until 5:30 and then shower and come meet us. I told her which bar we would be at. You excited to see her?"

I smile and nod at him. "Absolutely. I haven't seen her since she dropped us off at the airport. I probably won't even recognize her."

We continue to walk and I loosen my arm from his as we make our way through a larger crowd of people. The bar we frequent is a thirty minute walk from our small apartment and I'm starting to regret my decision to wear heeled boots but remind myself that the opportunity to dress up (as trivial as it is) hasn't come around much this past month. Kyle and I have been working around the clock with editing and filming that any time we haven't been eating or sleeping, we've been on our computers and watching our social lives dwindle.

"I'm just so glad we met our deadlines," Kyle starts, regrouping with me after the crowd walks by, "This month has been utter hell."

"Yeah. I was starting to go insane. I don't want to see a computer for at least a week," I reply, knowing very well that that wouldn't happen at all. Being cooped up in a house with another person who is just stressed as you would normally spell disaster but with how in sync we are, I think we managed very well, giving each other a lot of space when it was needed.

"Tonight, any time we bring up work, we have to do shots," he says, zipping up his hoodie as another surge of cold rolls through the sidewalk. My pea-coat has kept me very warm as the weather has started shifting to cold but being from the Midwest, I'm use to the cold. Fall has always been my favorite time of year anyways.

"Don't threaten me like that. You know I'm a workaholic." We stop at a crosswalk, waiting for the right time to cross. I start noticing a lot of couples and families out tonight, enjoying their Friday evening. My survival instinct kicks in and washes away any thoughts of loneliness that instantly pop into my head.

What do I have to be lonely about? I was the one that decided to move thousands of miles away. I should really count my blessings that one of my closest friends decided to do the same with me, putting up with me both professionally and personally. I look over at Kyle as he's looking off to the other side of the street. A stupid smile comes over me as I think about how lucky I am to have him around. He starts walking and I take a quick couple steps to catch up to him, coming back to reality.

"You know I love you, right?" The words just fall out of my mouth. It would sound so strange saying that to anyone else but Kyle knows exactly what I'm trying to say. He turns to me and smiles, putting an arm around my shoulders.

"Of course. And you know I love you. Why are we talking like drunks before we're actually drunk?"

I laugh and wrap my arm around his waist and pull him into a side hug. The bar is within our sight and we let go of each other. People often mistake us for a couple because of our absurd familiarity with each other but I've always considered him my unofficial brother, with Ashley being my unofficial sister and making these unofficial roles the only people I honestly call family. Kyle smiles at a group of women as they walk by, heads turning back to stare. He's the master at meeting new people, especially women. He's already met someone here in the city the last time we were out. Who knew German girls would love a guy who can't speak German to save his life? His attractiveness comes in handy as a shield against getting hit on as well.

The music is already going as we approach the entrance of the bar. Kyle holds the door open for me and I walk in, unbuttoning my pea-coat and slinging it over my arm. It isn't too busy yet but from past experience, things will pick up once it gets darker. We wave to the bartender we've seen working a few times, a smaller girl with short black hair, as we walk by. Nudging Kyle in the arm, I point out that our favorite table is available.

We have this table that's close enough that we don't have to walk far to the bar to order but far enough that we aren't surrounded by crowds of people at the rest of the tables. There's just a couple of other tables and two private booths on the opposite wall, probably for those who want more of an intimate setting. At quick glance, one of them is occupied by a group of men.

Another reason we love this bar is the music choice. There's rarely anything on that isn't rock and a lot of it is older stuff, things that we both grew up listening to. Our table is fortunately very close to the jukebox as well as a pinball machine. It's almost like a small taste of home.

Hanging my coat over the back of my chair, I catch a glimpse of my outfit in one of the larger poster frames hanging on the wall. Maybe I dressed up a little too much? My midriff is showing from the lace long sleeved crop top I'm wearing but there isn't much showing since I opted for a high waisted skirt. I decided to go even more scandalous by wearing thigh high tights with boots, ending the ensemble with light makeup and my brunette hair hanging loosely. I've certainly come a long way from jeans and teeshirts 24/7. I start regretting my decision for fashion over comfort as Kyle shoves a beer into my hand.

"Prost!" He holds up his glass and I clink mine with his.

"How did you even order this? You don't know any German." I start sipping the beer and take a seat. Kyle sits down across from me and gives me a sneering look.

"Give me some credit. Most Germans speak English," he replies, taking a long gulp. I mutter a response in German and roll my eyes at his answer. 

"What did you say?" He leans in to try and hear me over the music. Currently, it's Alice Cooper's "I'm Eighteen" and I bop my head along with the beat. 

"I said that you're rude. If you're going to live in the country, you should try and at least learn the basics," I answer. 

"This speech again? I understand enough to get by. Some of us didn't hole up and learn languages for fun. Some of us had social lives." His words hurt only slightly. I know it comes from a place of jest but to say it doesn't sting would be a lie. 

"What can I say? I had a very withholding mother. What else was I going do?" 

"Thank God you met me and I changed your life," he says, smiling only for a moment before it turns upside down. I can tell he's thinking about old times. His beer is almost gone and I'm only half way through mine. It would seem that getting hammered is high on his list tonight, right after talking his way into the pants of the girl he's seeing. I hope he says her name at some point because I really can't remember it. 

"That's what you think," I answer, smiling at him. I pull out my flip phone and check the time as I notice more people flooding the bar. It's a quarter after 6 and Ashley should be showing up anytime. I finish my beer and Kyle grabs our glasses and heads back to the bar. Judas Priest's "Electric Eye" plays next and I smile, thinking of my dad. Moments later, my friend comes back with shot glasses and an audible groan escapes. 

"Are you trying to make tomorrow the worst day of my life?" He starts laughing.

"I'm trying to make tonight like it's the last night on Earth." 

I can appreciate his outlook. We've worked so hard and I instantly start changing my position on the night ahead. Looking across the table at my friend and seeing how much fun he's already having, it's time to let go of the stress and take his words to heart. Maybe not the drinking part but living a little lighter and treating tonight like I'm going to be gone tomorrow. I hold up the shot glass in a cheers. 

"Until our last night on Earth."

He holds his glass up and clinks against mine, his smirk warming my heart.

 

* * *

 

Ashley finally arrives at the bar just before 7, just as everyone else starts coming in to get their drinks. As I notice her making her way through the bar, I see all eyes following her as she walks by. She's always been a thing of beauty and I've always been slightly jealous of how her presence commands the attention of everyone she meets. Ashley is a naturally tan, skinny, medium chested bombshell. It's always baffled me at how she hates dating because she could easily find men. It might have to do with some of the absolute losers she's fallen in love with but who am I to talk? I see her long blonde hair flowing to and fro as she looks for us. She finally sees us and I get up from the table, walking fast to meet her for a massive hug.

"I've missed you so much," I hear her say loudly as her hold on me tightens. Once we let go, Kyle gets up and hugs her as well. I'm so happy that I could easily cry but a bar is the absolute wrong place for that. I opt for a grin instead. 

"Who's going to get me a drink," she says, throwing her hands up in the air and laughing, "I just traveled for what seems like days!" 

"I'll go. You guys catch up," Kyle says, walking away. Ashley and I sit down at the table and she takes off her jacket. She hasn't really dressed for an autumn day in Germany with a navy blue sundress and flip flops but she looks stunning as normal.

"How are you not freezing? You're wearing summer clothes," I ask.  

"What about you? You look like you're going to work the streets after this. I kinda love it!" I start laughing and we fall into another hug. 

"At least I won't freeze to death," I reply.

"This is my bar outfit! I'm trying to get one of these German hunks to take me back to my hotel." I roll my eyes at her. Only she would have this as her vacation goal.  

"I'm sure we can find you someone well hung," I wink at her and she beams. Kyle comes back juggling three shot glasses and three beers, struggling to pass them around. He's really trying to give us alcohol poisoning. 

"Alright, here's to old friendships," he starts, holding up the shot glass. We both grab our glasses and hold them up alongside his.  

"Zu alten Freundschaften! Prost!"

"Cheers!" We down the drinks with ease. Kyle exhales loudly while Ashley lets out a small excited shriek. It's wonderful to see the people I care about most right in front of me, already having so much fun.

 

* * *

 

"So who is she on the phone with?" Kyle asks me, texting on his phone and not even bothering to make eye contact with me. 

"Her mom. You know how she is. She goes ape shit every time Ashley doesn't answer her phone," I reply. It's annoying to see him texting while we're out but I know it's the girl he's been seeing. What the hell is her name? I don't know if I'm annoyed because it's while we're out or because he has someone to text. He finally stops and puts his phone back in his pocket. 

"Let's go play the pinball machine. I'm determined to beat my last score," I say, getting up from the table. Kyle follows and we work our way over to the pinball machine. Every time we've come here, I've tried to get the high score but have failed every time. The pinball machine reminds me of when I was a kid, playing in the arcade with my dad. Maybe the alcohol will motivate me hard enough this time to finally get the high score this time. In reality, it's probably going to hinder me hard. 

Kyle drags a stool from the corner next to the machine and plops down with his beer. He loves keeping me company as much as he loves screwing with me while I play. It's a great exercise in multitasking because he loves to hold a conversation while I try and concentrate on the game. 

"So Andy called me yesterday." My heart drops into my stomach. Here we go. 

"Great. What did he want?" I need to put on a brave front but my heart hurts. I'm glad he can't make eye contact with me right now because I would break down just from the sympathetic look that I know is on his face. 

"He asked me if I wanted to work on one of his skating projects with him. I told him no." My heart lifts slightly and I let out a small sigh. Kyle has been very loyal through this whole ordeal and he's been my backbone through my break up. 

"He did try and get me to give him your new phone number." I roll my eyes at the thought. Why do I attract the worst people? 

"I'm assuming you didn't give it to him," I reply. 

"Hell no. Fuck that guy." I smile at his devotion. 

"Thank you." I would hug him but my pinball game is too important right now. 

"Are you ever going to talk to them again?" 

"Not if I can help it. Hope they have just the happiest fucking life ever." I hate giving such bitter answers but it's about a subject I'd rather not talk about and honestly, I'd rather focus on the small, silver ball, jetting back and forth. I'm glad I have this going on and can avoid sympathy. 

"Who has time for relationships anymore? I'm always working anyways." 

"I mean, Lena and I are doing well." He rarely talks about his fling so at this point, I'm kind of surprised he's talking about her. Also, he's finally reminded me of her name so I can avoid the embarrassment of asking what it is. He's been in a happier mood since meeting her so I can't complain too much.

"Is she coming to meet us tonight?" 

"No, I'm going to go see her later." His response surprises me since I thought he was going to be hanging out with us for the rest of the night. 

"At least someone is getting some tonight," I reply, deciding not to be bitter anymore.

"You never know. Your luck may change. All these dudes have been staring at you," he says, gesturing over somewhere behind me. 

"They've been staring at Ashley," I scoff. 

"No. Those guys in the booth over there? I think they've been watching you ever since we got here." Normally, I'd sneak a glance but I'm too focused on the game. That's probably for the better. 

"That woman talks forever!" I hear Ashley say behind me. I laugh, knowing how overbearing her mom is. At this point, I lose my last ball and frustration raises over me. 

"Gottverdammt!" I shout loudly. 

"Well, on that note, I'm outta here."  

"Off to see deine liebling?" I ask as he puts on his jacket and beanie. 

"Uh, sure. But hey, I probably won't be home tonight so you'll have the place to yourself. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He gives me a swift kiss on the cheek and does the same with Ashley. 

"Tschüss, bis morgen."

"Umm bye?" She looks confused as he works his way through the crowd towards the exit. She turns back to me and scoffs. 

"Where's he off to? I barely got to talk to him." 

"He has a girlfriend who's not his girlfriend. It's a really confusing thing and I don't ask questions." We walk back towards the table and she takes the seat across from me that was previously taken by Kyle. 

"Speaking of significant others, it seems my ex was trying to get into contact with me through Kyle." Her eyes widen and her mouth falls open.  

"You're kidding me. That...how do you say 'asshole' in German?" 

"Arschloch," I reply. 

"Yeah, that! Is he still seeing that bitch?" 

"As far as I'm aware. I don't try and keep up with their love life." 

"Good. Fuck them. It seems Kyle is getting along just fine in the relationship department. What about you?" 

"We've been so busy with work that I haven't even thought about it." That was a lie.

"You haven't even tried, have you?" I shake my head and my eyes meet the ground, my cheeks turning red from embarrassment. She puts her hand on top of mine and my eyes meet hers. Silence sets in and I can't take it. 

"I'm going to get more drinks." I get up from the table and trot over to the bar, doing my best not to run into anyone. I manage to squeeze between a couple of guys and order two more beers. It takes a couple of minutes with how busy it is but I finally get the beers in my hands and as I turn, the guy next to me turns towards me and bumps into me. Luckily, I manage to distance myself from the splashing beers so they don't pour all over me.  

"Shit, I'm sorry! I didn't see you!" he says, setting his beer down onto the bar and grabbing the beers out of my hands and setting them down as well. 

"It's fine. It's really busy in here," I reply, giving a sympathetic head nod. I finally get a look at him and recognize him immediately. It's hard to work in the music industry and not know about who's popular and I've been a fan since I've lived here. He's the guitarist from Rammstein. I went to their show a couple of weeks back with Kyle and it was hard not to stare at all of them. I'm not the person who usually fawns over celebrities since I meet quite a few in my line of work so I just respond with a polite smile. He smiles back in what seems like a very flirtatious way. 

"I'm really sorry! Let me buy you two more," he says, turning back towards the bar and attempting to wave down the busy bartender. 

"Oh no, no! It's fine really. You really don't need to buy me drinks," I reply, shaking my head and shaking the sticky residue off my hands.

"I insist. It is the least I can do after running into you." He finally gets the bartender's attention and orders two more beers. He continues to flash his smile at me and laughing.   

"What's your name," he asks me. 

"Amanda." I extend my hand towards him, still slightly sticky from the beer spilling but he takes it anyways, shaking it gently.

"I'm Richard. I'm sorry to meet you this way." He smiles again. It's hard not to reciprocate his smile. He definitely knows how contagious it is. 

"Usually I'm the one running into people," I reply, chuckling. 

"Two drinks? Are you here with someone?" 

"Yeah, my best friend, she's the blonde over there." I motion towards the table and point her out. She has her back to us so she can't see me pointing her out, thank goodness. 

"I'm here with my friends as well. You should come join us," he says. The small girl with short black hair hands him the two beers and he passes them off to me. 

"Oh no, I wouldn't want to impose." 

"I insist! Come, let's go get your friend." He grabs one of the drinks from my hand and replaces it with his other hand as he pushes our way through the crowd once more. I can appreciate his straightforwardness and it's definitely something I'm not use to. It's not every day that you also run into an artist whom you're a fan of and I wouldn't want my shyness to be construed as rudeness. We reach the table and Ashley perks up, surprised at the company I've brought.  

"Hallo! I collided into your friend and spilled your drinks and I want to make it up to you! Come join me and my friends!" I smile at her and shrug. It's almost as if we can read each other's minds. Ashley starts laughing and gets up from the table, grabbing her jacket and purse. She sees the beer in my hand and grabs my jacket and purse as well. I notice that him and his friends are taking up the booth not far from us. These were the men that were apparently "checking me out", according to Kyle. 

We all walk over and Richard grabs everyone's attention. "So I spilled these girl's drinks so I bought them new ones and invited them to join us. Make room!" Ashley and I continue to look at each other and then I see who his friends are: other members of Rammstein. When I saw them live, there were six members but only five were here tonight.  

They all nod politely and shift closer on the booth seat. I instantly feel regret, basically uprooting these men who were doing just fine before we came along. It's apparent that seven people weren't meant to fit in this booth so the taller man with the shaved head gets up and offers his seat to Ashley. She sits down while he grabs a bar stool that's nearby and pulls it up to the booth. Richard lets me into the booth and I sit down next to a muscular man with longish black hair. I smile and he smiles back very timidly, averting his eyes almost immediately. Richard sits down to my right and puts an arm around me. 

"This is Amanda," he pulls me in closer to him, not knowing if she's just trying to indicate who I am or if this is some sort of alpha move. "I am sorry, I didn't ask your name?" He points over to Ashley and she instantly perks up at the attention. 

"Oh, I'm Ashley!" she smiles and waves. The guys with shorter hair and earrings next to her extends his hand and she takes it.  

"Yes, Ashley! Do you speak German," he asks. 

"No, she's my translator," she replies, pointing to me.

"So I should introduce you," Richard starts, pointing at everyone one by one, "Oliver is the guy on the stool. The guy next to your friend is Paul. To his left is Christoph but he goes by Schneider most of the time. And to your left is Till." I glance over at Till and smile again.

"It's nice to meet you," he says, extending his hand to me. When I shake it, I notice how large and very warm his hand is compared to mine. He still seems coy but now that he's introduced himself, his shyness seems to disappear. 

"So tell me about yourself! What brings you to Germany?" Richard is trying to get my life story while Ashley is across the way, flirting hard with the guy I now know as Paul. 

"Well, like Ashley said, she's here visiting me but I came here for work." 

"What do you do?" he asks. 

"Digital production. Shooting film, editing videos, photography, all the stuff in between. Mostly editing right now." I take a long gulp of my beer and hope that's sufficient enough of a description. 

"What things do you work on?" Schneider asks, looking like he's just trying to be polite.

"A little of everything. I prefer music videos." Even though I know who they are, this is true, even though it was just recently that I've been able to work on them.

"Really? We actually have a band together," Richard announces, smirking as if he's pulling one over on me. His smile makes me think that he's used this same exact ruse on many women but I'm trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

"I know. I recognized you at the bar." He looks shocked as his ruse fails. Ashley is mercilessly hitting on Paul right across from us, unaware of who these gentlemen are. 

"You know who we are?" Schneider asks. Till also perks up at this information.

"Yes. I went to your show a couple of weeks ago," I answer. 

"Why didn't you say anything at the bar?" Richard asks. 

"Because if I was in your position, I would want someone to talk to me as a person and not something put on a pedestal." He smiles and starts laughing.

"That's one I've never heard that before." 

"I'm full of surprises," I respond, smirking before taking another drink.

 

* * *

 

The evening continues to roll on as Ashley and I hang out with these new friends. Richard has spent most of the night flirting with me and while I can appreciate his effort, it hasn't really phased me. Don't get me wrong, he's a very attractive man but a lot of it seems like routine and isn't from a genuine place. I've met many men like him and I can't help wonder how many women he's tried to pick up this way. The guys talk amongst themselves and I mostly listen, chiming in when they ask me questions. 

"I'm going to head to the restroom." Richard stands up and makes his way towards the other side of the bar. Oliver immediately takes Richard's seat, complaining at how uncomfortable the bar stool is on his back. 

"Thank you for your sacrifice," I say to Oliver in German, raising my glass towards him. He raises his glass to me and gives me a small smile. 

"Your German is good" I hear Till say to me. When our eyes meet, I automatically smile. What a wonderful compliment. 

"Thank you. Your English is good," I respond. 

"Richard is more fluent than all of us. I think I struggled the most," he says. He's been the one I've been chatting to most of the night with Richard trying to interject multiple times.  

"It just takes practice. I'm still learning after two years. I took a year of it in school and then taught myself but living here definitely helped improve it," I reply, chuckling. He looks very impressed at that fact. I still make mistakes when I speak and I'm sure there's things I've said tonight that have been incorrect but everyone has been very nice. It's probably similar to their English being a little broken but understandable. It's very comforting how accommodating they've been.  

"How did you come to work here," Oliver asks. He's the one I've noticed has talked the least tonight but I don't think it's shyness. It seems like he chooses to observe rather than interject. 

"The company I work for has an office out here and I jumped at the opportunity for something new. I get emails about assignments so I work from home most of the time." 

"She wanted to get as far away from her cheating ass boyfriend as possible!" Ashley essentially shouts from across the table. She's been knocking them back and I send a harsh glare her way, knowing it doesn't matter anyways. She's been so wrapped up in Paul that I didn't think she was even listening to other conversations going on. I start feeling the redness coming to my cheeks and embarrassment washing over me. I fiddle with my empty glass nervously and stay silent, not knowing what to say and hoping the subject changes.

"Any man that would cheat on you is an idiot. You're lovely," Schneider says, giving me a wink. I laugh uncomfortably and give a nod as a thank you. Till leans in and lowers his voice to barely a whisper.

"No man should betray something as beautiful as yourself." I look up and him and smile, feeling myself slip into a different type of embarrassment. His compliment feels real, very different from the approach Richard has been taking with me throughout the night. For the first time, I really look at him, his beautiful blue eyes stare me down and suddenly, I feel very calm. I hate how fucking cliché it sounds but there's some kind of fireworks forming here and I'm feeling it a little too hard and a little too fast. Maybe it's just the alcohol? He smiles and I feel a body sit down to my right. Richard takes his seat back with a disappointed look on his face. He tries to hand me another beer but I politely decline.  

"I should probably stop. For her sake." I point to Ashley. At this point, she's hanging off of Paul, being a drunk mess. I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for her. I've always been the one to take care of her, to the point where she sometimes calls me "mom." I'm still a little mad at what she said but that won't stop me from watching out for her. She spent a lot of time looking out for me during some very low points and I'm always trying to return the favor, even though I've never seen it as an obligation but just my love for her. Suddenly, she gets up from the table and Paul follows her.  

"Paul is going to walk me back to my hotel," she announces, putting on her coat. I tap Richard on the shoulder, motioning for him to let me out of the booth.  

"Are you going to be okay?" I ask her. 

"Totally! I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She gives me a very sloppy drunk hug. I sigh and look at Paul, him smiling once we make eye contact. He seems nice enough but sending her off with a complete stranger in a foreign country doesn't sit well in my stomach.

"Don't worry about your friend. Paul is a good guy," Oliver tells me, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. All I can do is nod. 

"We should leave as well. We have to be in the studio tomorrow afternoon," Schneider says. Richard starts putting on his coat as the others start gathering their things. 

Tabs get settled and we head outside, lingering outside the entrance. I hear Ashley squeal with enjoyment as Paul picks her up caveman style and starts carrying her off. I close my eyes and try to exhale worry. Ashley is a big girl who can hopefully take care of herself. Richard stops next to me, wrapping a maroon scarf around his neck. I see him reach into the pocket of his coat and pull out a napkin and a pen and he starts writing something down. It isn't long before he stops writing and puts the pen back in his pocket, exchanging it for a pack of cigarettes. 

"Here," he says, handing the napkin to me. It has a phone number on it with his name written in capital letters. 

"We should see each other again soon. Call me anytime." He smiles, placing a small kiss on my cheek before he catches up to Oliver and Schneider who aren't too far from the happy couple. I say goodbye, stuffing the napkin into the pocket of my coat. I walk towards the curb, hoping I can hail a taxi so I don't have to walk home alone. 

"Are you walking home?" I hear someone say behind me. I turn around and Till is walking towards me, lighting a cigarette. His friends are about a block away but he could easily catch up to them. 

"Oh no. Trying to catch a cab." As soon as I mention it, a cab comes by and I wave it down. The driver parks near the curb and as I get ready to get in, something inside feels like I can't just leave without saying something to him. He said something very sweet and it's been awhile since I've been complimented.

"Thank you," I tell him, hanging on the door.

"For what," he asks, continuing to smoke.

"For what you said earlier. I don't hear things like that too often." I smile at him and wave goodbye, finally getting in the taxi. I give the driver my address and try to get as comfortable as I can when I hear the door on the opposite side open and watch Till climb in. It's an understatement to say that I'm very confused. 

"I want to make sure you get home safely." It's only a 20 minute ride but him jumping into my taxi makes me think that he wants to be around me longer. The driver takes off and I start internally panicking. I only have so much time to initiate some kind of move. But what if he rejects me? What if he's just trying to be a nice guy? Then my mind goes back to what Kyle was talking about earlier in the night: living like it was the last night on Earth. Maybe it was the alcohol in me that was pushing me to act but what would I have to lose?  

As he's looking out the window, I notice he has his hand rested on the seat, very little space between us. I take the plunge and place my hand on top of his, his glance instantly turning towards me. My shyness takes over and I look down to my shoes. I haven't flirted with anyone in awhile and I especially haven't been looking to initiate any kind of liaison but this was a huge step to take. I'm a little proud of myself. His fingers lace in between mine, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. Something in the pit of my stomach tells me that tonight will be one to remember.


	2. Chapter 2

Mere minutes later, we arrive outside my apartment. I feel instant relief when I remember that Kyle won't be here, if Till even wants to stick around. Part of me wants to call Kyle immediately and tell him what's happened tonight but that would ruin both of our evenings. I still wonder if he was right about these guys checking me out at the bar.

As the cab stops at the curb, I feel a slight tinge of embarrassment. Since moving here together, Kyle and I opted for a smaller apartment together instead of living separately. It isn't the fanciest place in town but we've definitely made it our own. Having a place to call my home has always been invaluable to me.

We live on the second floor of the two storied building, our downstairs neighbors (a couple in their 30's) being the owners of the building. They seem like nice people but there hasn't been many interactions between us except to pay them rent. I step out of the cab and see Till climbing out the opposite side. He lingers in the door as I walk around to meet him. Maybe this is a good sign.

"Well, I've made it home safely," I announce, shrugging at the very obvious statement. We didn't say anything in the cab and I'm at a loss for a better opening line.

"So you have," he replies, leaning on the open door. He looks around like he's waiting for me to say something else. Of course, I go with the first thing that comes to mind, that thing being what I really want at this moment.

"Would you like to come in?" I'm feeling so fucking bold right now and I hope I don't seem desperate. Stepping out of my comfort zone like this is surprising but it's definitely boosting my confidence.

"Of course," he answers, smiling at me. I guess I was expecting him to say no because now I'm metaphorically and physically shaking in my boots. I just need to keep cool.

He closes the door to the taxi and as I attempt to fish money out of my wallet, he already has his out and hands the taxi driver money. I'm not use to having other people paying for things but I have a feeling he's trying to be a gentleman. The cab speeds off and he walks over to me while I look for my house keys.

"Do you live alone," he asks.

"Uhh, no," I start, pausing to try and find my keys, "My best friend Kyle lives with me." I finally find the shiny silver under all the junk. When I look up at Till, he seems a little bummed out. Maybe at me mentioning Kyle?

"He's gone for the night," I continue, trying to save it as I walk towards the stairs that lead to my apartment. He follows, right on my heels. As we ascend the stairs, I do my best not to make too much noise with my boots against the wood. It's almost midnight and the last thing I want is to offend my downstairs neighbors with creaky steps. The key fits the lock effortlessly and the door opens into darkness.

My fingers trace the wall for the light switch I know is on my right. The light comes on and my small living room beams brightly, taking a moment to let my eyes adjust. Luckily, Kyle and I are relatively clean people and the apartment doesn't look terrible. Out of habit, I take my coat off and hang it on the coat rack next to the door. Before I get it completely off, I remember to grab the napkin Richard gave me outside the bar and walk towards our small kitchen. It's autonomous when I place my keys in the decorative bowl in the middle of the table, adding the napkin to the top of a stack of mail I still haven't opened up and setting my bag down.

"Would you like something to drink? Some coffee or water?"

He shakes his head politely as he places his coat next to mine. He's wearing a long sleeved black shirt that I hadn't really noticed until now. It's tight against his body and shows off his muscles spectacularly. I need to look elsewhere before he notices me staring.

"It's almost midnight. Isn't it late for coffee," he asks, a small chuckle following.

"I don't sleep either way," I respond, pulling out a glass from the cabinet and running it under the tap. I drank quite a bit tonight and I remind myself that hydration is the key to no hangovers. I noticed there were no coffee canisters when I grabbed my glass so it's good that he didn't want any. I'll tell Kyle to get some tomorrow. Leaning against the counter with my water, I start watching Till as he takes interest in the pictures sitting on the shelves, quite a few of them being various portraits I've shot over the last few years.

"Is this your work?" I nod, taking a sip of water and sitting the glass down. He fixates on a black and white landscape photo I took of an old farmhouse from back home. Many thought it was haunted while I thought it was hauntingly beautiful.

"These are wonderful. You have an amazing eye," he says as he continues looking through my work. Having another artist saying that they like my work definitely makes me feel validated. He stops again and picks up my favorite picture. This one isn't my work but it is my most prized possession. I start feeling my heart tighten in my chest.

"Is this your father?" I nod again, feeling my stomach twist. It was the last photo taken of my dad and I on my 15th birthday, his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders and my smile massive. He hated having pictures taken but made exceptions when it came to me.

"You look identical," he says, placing it back onto the shelf. I walk over to where he's standing and look at the pictures alongside him. There aren't many pictures of my family, just one of my myself and my dad and a very old family photo. The rest are of friends, mostly photos of old friends from home.

"I've heard that my whole life. Everything but the eyes," I reply, pointing back at the picture and smiling at the thought. He turns his head towards me and looks right into my eyes and then looks back at the photo to compare.

"Everything but the eyes," Till repeats. He looks over the other photos and eventually stops at the family photo. My heart descends into my stomach as I see his finger drift towards my mother.

"What do your parents think of you living here? You're very far from home." I quickly think of a simple explanation.

"I don't think they would have minded. They always knew I had wanderlust. I think I started telling them I was going to leave when I was 10," I answer, drifting over to the couch. My feet thank me as I sit down and take the pressure off my very sore soles. He turns around to face me, a confused look on his face.

"Would have?" He picked that up very quickly.

"My dad died when I was 16 and my mom died when I was 17," I disclose, after a small sigh. I didn't think I'd be disclosing such things but the last thing I want is to be dishonest. He walks over and sits down next to me, shifting to get comfortable and crossing his legs.

"I'm so sorry." He places his hand on top of mine, the warmth bringing my mood back up. I try and think of anything to change the subject.

"So, being a singer must be exciting," I blurt out, feeling instant regret. I don't want to sound like some fanatic but it's the first thing that comes to my head and, I mean, I'm genuinely a fan. His expression makes me think he understands that I just want to talk about something else.

"I wouldn't call myself a singer. I'm more of an entertainer," he answers humbly.

"I would disagree. I think you've forgotten that I've seen your show." He shifts his body towards me and I mirror him. My eyes slip down and I can't help but take a second to admire how muscular he is.

"What did you think of the show?"

"Oh, it was amazing. I've never seen anything like it. There's definitely nothing like it back home." It was true. I've been to so many concerts and theirs was probably the best I'd ever seen. It wasn't just a concert, it wasn't just a show. It definitely was an experience. I never thought a couple of weeks later, I would get the chance to tell the guy who set his jacket on fire how unbelievable the show was. He smirks and takes my fingers through his large ones, feeling various calluses and scars as my fingers trace his.

"Thank you. I think that's why what you said tonight caught my attention." I perk up, trying to think of what it was I could have possibly said to garner his interest. There was a lot of conversation going on tonight, not just between Till and I but everyone else that was in the booth.

"What I said?"

"When Richard asked you why you didn't say anything at the bar about him being in Rammstein," he begins, pausing a moment to run his unoccupied hand through his hair, "You said that if you were in our place, you would want someone to talk to you as you are, not as someone well known."

"I really meant that. I think that's why I'm more comfortable on the other side of the camera," I reply, gesturing towards the pictures on my wall.

"Have you been in front of the camera," he questions, smiling at me mischievously.

"Oh, once or twice. Those photos are a little more private," I reply, smiling right back at him. I feel my cheeks burning, feeling slightly embarrassed at the admission.

"When I heard you say you would wanted to be talked to normally, I knew I had to try and steal you away from Richard's eyes," he reveals, a devilish grin coming across his face. By this time, I had completely forgotten about Richard and his attempts at the bar.

 "He didn't try too hard to hide the fact that he was hitting on me, did he?"

"He saw you with your friends earlier in the night. He pointed you out to us and when I looked over, you had this bright smile on your face and you were laughing and looked like you were having the time of your life. If I can be honest, it was hard to take my eyes off you." My heart starts thumping incredibly fast. That's so honest and so amazing to hear. I don't think I've heard a guy be this honest with me awhile. I'd gotten use to dating scumbags.

"But if you're interested in Richard, I will back off. I don't want to overstep any boundaries. I just..." he pauses, shifting in his seat and looking very uncomfortable, "I don't commandeer taxis from women, nor do I get invited in at midnight. This might seem strange to you but when we were talking at the bar, I felt some sort of magnetic force pulling me to you."  

"I had a similar feeling. And believe me, Richard came on way too strong for me. I think I had eyes elsewhere." Till brings his finger up to my jaw line and my eyes close automatically as I feel his fingertip glide, sending shivers straight down into my bones. His hand works its way to the back of my head, his fingers tangling into my hair. Part of me wants to take a peek but the mystery has my heart beating out of my chest. He pulls my hair gently and a moan escapes my lips. When I finally open my eyes, Till staring down at me, looking like he wants to take a bite out of me.

"You are a thing of beauty," he whispers. Before I even have a chance to thank him or say something about his good looks, he lays a kiss on my lips. His lips are soft and taste like paradise. The kiss quickly becomes rough, as if we are fighting and the weapon of choice was our lips. My hands feel their way up to his face, feeling the stubble on his cheeks as his hands move slowly from my hair down my back, ending up on my waist as he pulls me into his lap. As I straddle his legs, his hands find their way under my shirt, drawing circles with his finger tips across my back. After what seems like an eternity, we both finally come up for air. He leans back into the couch, pushing hair out of his eyes and breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry. I'm being too rough," he expresses, moving his hands down to my hips. I feel the exact opposite way. I love how he wants to take control of me and I want more. So much more. I lean down towards him, putting my lips right next to his ear.

"But I really, really want you to be rough with me," I whisper.

I hop off of his lap and feel his eyes follow me as I start walking towards my bedroom. Stopping in the door frame, I turn around and see him lean forward, hands on his knees and ready to pounce. All it takes is one finger motioning him to come hither.

He rushes toward me at full force, wrapping his arms around me strongly before planting another hard kiss. My hands make their way up to his neck as his hands find my ass. He lifts me up like it's nothing, forcing my legs around his waist as I grab a hold of him and hang on. He supports my weight effortlessly, carrying me over to my bed and laying me down on it with him towering over top of me on all fours.

He straightens up and pulls his shirt off smoothly, the moonlight from the window bouncing off his very chiseled chest. The darkness somehow enhances the mood, making all of his movements mysterious. His hands then move to my body, working my shirt over my head. Watching him get off the bed, I feel his hands grabbing at my waist and I gasp as he pulls me towards him swiftly, his masculinity continuing to turn me on. He squats down and unzips my boots and I hear them make a small thud when he tosses them across the floor. Sitting up on my elbows, I watch as he pulls my thigh highs down slowly, replacing the disappearing fabric with flicks of his tongue and small love bites. My head falls backwards at his touch.

"Do you like that," I hear him whisper, his hands running over the marks he's left behind. At least they aren't on my neck. When I don't answer, he gives me one more chomp and I moan loudly.

"Oh, yes, I love it," I answer, almost breathlessly. He starts tugging at my skirt, struggling and not realizing the zipper on the side. I let out a small giggle and turn over onto all fours before balancing on my knees. As he comes up behind me, I search for his hand and put it on the zipper.

"One more minute and it was going to be ripped off," he whispers in my ear. I smile, believing that he wouldn't let mere fabric get in the way of what he wants. He helps me balance as I maneuver around on the bed just enough for him to pull my skirt and panties off all at once. He really doesn't waste time. My hands, at a very awkward angle, find his waist behind me, pulling him closer to me as his hands find the straps of my bra. They fall off my shoulders with the hook unfastening as if by magic.

"Lay down," he commands. As I start sprawling out on my bed, I watch him as he unbuckles his pants, biting down on my lip as I try not to stare. He strips down completely and I'm not too surprised at his length, considering the pants he was wearing tonight showed off plenty.

He hovers over top of me and I watch him stick his first two fingers in his mouth and then move them down my stomach, eventually reaching the outside of my pussy. I was already so wet when he started ordering me around and he realizes this once his middle finger slides in with ease, my walls tightening around him.

He slips his index finger in and I can't contain myself anymore. I let out a loud moan as he slides them in and out slowly, using his thumb to rub my clit simultaneously. Fuck, he knows how to use his hands.

"Fuck," I whisper, one hand gripping the sheets and the other finding the arm he's using for balance and digging my nails into it.

"Tell me what you want," he orders.

"I want you to fuck me," I utter between breaths. My vulgarness surprises me because it usually takes me a little longer to be this honest but he seems to love it. His fingers feel amazing but I know his dick would feel even better. He pulls his fingers out and positions himself between my legs. I'm so ready for this. He plunges deep inside me and I whimper as I feel every inch of him pushing into me.

He starts off slow but deep, almost like he's testing the waters and seeing what I can handle. The fit is so tight but the sensation is marvelous. His hands grip tightly around my hips and he starts pulling me into a steady thrust.

"Oooh, harder," I moan, my hands gripping his. He smirks as he starts speeding up. He can't take his eyes off my tits as they bounce around at his rhythm. He whispers something in German under his breath so fast that I can't understand him. It's been awhile since I've had sex so I'm already feeling very close but I'll certainly do my best to hold out as long as I can. Growls start escaping his lips as he slams into me. Part of me hopes my neighbors can't hear this and the other, more dominating part doesn't give a shit. His hands move under my thighs, propping both of my legs up into the air.

"You feel fucking great," he grunts, moving one of his hands up my chest, eventually landing on my neck. He takes a hold of my neck enough to tell me that he's in charge but not enough for me to lose consciousness. My hands find his forearm and I hold on for dear life, eyes rolling so far into the back of my head, I could probably catch glimpses of my brain. He's slowly figuring out all the things that make me tick and I'm ready to lose my fucking mind.

"Oh fuck, I'm gonna, I'm gonna c-" I scream, climaxing so hard that I can't even finish the rest of the word. He continues to thrust into me as I ride out my orgasm, digging my nails into his flesh. He starts slowing down and loosens his grip on my throat and replaces it with his tongue, rolling slowly up my throat, curving around my chin and reaching my lips. It turns into a hard kiss instantly and my hand finds the back of his head to pull him into me hard.

"That felt amazing," I say into his lips.

"You sound like you're finished," he replies with a slightly worried tone. Smiling, I take his face in my hands and rest my lips onto his, biting at the lower one. He jumps slightly, his eyes ravenous.

"Not even close," I reply between breaths. I know he's still hard and hasn't came and I'm certainly not done with him. I'll do whatever to make this last as long as it can. He wraps his arms around me and I take the opportunity to push him down on the bed. As he lays back, I straddle his lap, his hard cock resting between us. I start running my hand up and down it and bat my eyes, smiling at him as innocently as I can. Once he meets my gaze, he smiles back.

"You seem like trouble." I chuckle at his comment.

"You have no idea..." I stop the rubbing and put it back inside me and it feels superb. He lets out a shaky breath as he grabs onto my hips and follows my body all the way down. I start rocking my hips as I start riding him faster. Focusing on his face, I watch him closes his eyes as he arches his head backwards. His mouth falls open and moans start leaving his lips.

He digs his fingertips into my skin, gripping me hard enough that I know it'll leave marks tomorrow. My speed apparently isn't fast enough for him because he starts pushing me up and pulling me down hard enough to make me whimper. We find a rhythm with each other and he sits up and starts kissing my lips, eventually working his lips down my neck until he reaches my exposed shoulder, giving it a tender bite. It only encourages me to move faster. I'm already ready to climax again and I can tell he's right there with me.

"Fuck!" He shouts out and with one final slam, falling backwards. I feel myself letting go again and I arch back, crying out in ecstasy as he fills me completely. We remain fitted together in silence for a couple of minutes until I finally find the strength in my legs to lift myself off of him and collapse next to him. I pull my pillow under my head as Till lays down on the opposite side of the bed.

"That was good," I finally say, exhaling loudly from pure exhaustion.

"Just good?" He runs his hands along my hips in a way that apologizes for all the marks and indents he left from his tight grip.

"Really good? How much inflation does your ego need," I retort, smiling.

"As much as I can get." He chuckles and moves his hand from my hip into my own. He's still so warm to the touch.

I'm waiting for him to come up with some excuse to leave but instead, we start getting comfortable on my bed, enjoying the silence. This is one of the only times that I feel nothing needs to be said. He holds me in his arms, softly running his fingers through my hair and massaging my scalp. I want to stay awake but I'm just so comfortable that I feel myself drifting off. Before I fall completely asleep, I hear him whisper.

"Gute Nacht. Süße Träume."

 

* * *

 

The sun starts rising through my window and my eyes flicker open at the sudden light. I'm still naked with my blanket draped over me and as I extend my arm out to feel the other side of my bed, my arm meets nothing but emptiness. I roll over and confirm that it's vacant. I'm alone in my room once again. I check the alarm clock on the other side of the room and it reads 7:02. Till must have left after I fell asleep. I'm sad that he's gone but I had a feeling this was going to happen. What we had this past night was amazing but I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything else.

I'm not usually awake this early on the weekends and I want to go back to sleep but my throat is so dry. I grab a t-shirt from the floor and a pair of gym shorts from my dresser and put them on before venturing out into the kitchen, just in case Kyle has already came home. Once I get into the living room, I see that his bedroom door is still open. Must still be at Lena's. As I walk past the front door, I come to a halt when I notice it's unlocked. I don't panic since it's the only way Till could have left, having no way to lock it from the outside. I relock it before wandering into the kitchen.

I find my glass from last night still sitting on the counter and I run it under the very cold water. I do my usual stance of leaning against the tiled counter and drinking when I notice the kitchen table. My keys barely hanging out from what looks like the napkin that Richard gave me. I could have sworn I put them in the bowl and when I go to grab them, I notice a pen inside the napkin as well. I open up the napkin and see that a line has been struck through Richard's name and phone number and that Till has written his name and number largely. I laugh quietly as I grab my phone from my purse to program it in.

 

* * *

 

A loud knock on the door wakes me up very suddenly. I didn't make it back to my bed and instead started reading on the couch and ended up falling back to sleep. The wall clock above the TV reads 9:19 and I'm wondering who is here this early. I drag myself to the door and take a look through the peephole and see Ashley on the other side. I open the door and she smiles brightly as I'm still waking up.

"Hey! I thought you'd be awake already!" I just shake my head and move out of the way as she comes in. She's in jeans and a sweater this time, more appropriate for the weather.

"No. I was up late last night. I'm sure you didn't get much sleep as well." I plop back down on the couch and she sits down next to me, allowing me to put my legs on top of hers for maximum relaxation.

"Paul did keep me up pretty late. I'm in need of coffee."

"Oh shit, I don't have any," I say, hopping off the couch, "I can run to the cafe and get some. What do you want?"

"Cappuccino. I'm assuming they make that here?" I give her a nod of assurance and jog towards my room. I strip off my shorts and replace them with underwear and then jeans, leaving the t-shirt on but grabbing my hoodie from the closet. I take a look in the mirror above my dresser to make sure I'm at least semi presentable. Of course, I didn't take my makeup off last night so it's still there, only slightly smudged. My hair looks like a birds nest but is easily fixed when I tie it up in a pony tail, leaving just my medium length bangs out. Good enough.

"The coffee shop is only a couple of blocks away so I shouldn't be too long," I say, grabbing my keys and purse off the table. I make sure my wallet is still in there before throwing my phone in, making sure it doesn't hit my iPod. I grab my Converse's from the closet and throw them on quickly.

"I'll be here," she replies, distracted by the television she's turned on in my absence. I give her a wave and I'm out the door. I worry about her being alone but she should be fine for a half an hour. Kyle should be coming home soon anyways.

As I start walking along my usual route, I pull out my iPod and place the headphones in my ears, stopping to decide what I want to listen to. It's one of the most expensive and best purchases I made before I left the US. I love my vinyl collection and CD's but I've bought what seems like a million Walkmans and they can't keep up with me. Technology is great.

I decide to go with what I was last listening to which was Depeche Mode. "Master and Servant" rings through my ears as I avoid the Saturday morning busyness, bopping my head while remembering snippets of last night. I didn't even tell Ashley about it. Do I want to tell her? It's not like she would have room to talk; she went home with a complete stranger last night as well. At least I know what their occupation is.

Also, what was with Till scratching out Richard's name? Is there some kind of rivalry there? I'm not sure if I even want to know the answer to that but I do remember him saying that he had to steal me away. He didn't mark out Richard's number completely so it was still legible and I was able to put it in my phone, just in case. Richard seemed genuine when he said he wanted to see me again and I did enjoy his company. Just not in the same way as I enjoyed Till's.

Reality comes back to me when I reach my favorite coffee shop. It's quite busy already, the line extremely backed up. With a huff, I stand in line and wait patiently while the music keeps going. "People are People" starts up and I automatically start tapping my foot at the catchy synths.

Once the song ends, I decide that I need to listening to something else. I start scrolling through my iPod, trying to figure out what my mood is and I end up on Rammstein. Is it weird that I want to listen to this right now? It can't be as weird as fucking their lead singer while Ashley fucked their guitarist. I shrug and scroll through the Herzeleid album, nothing jumping out at me immediately. Going back, I find Sehnsucht and "Spiel mit mir" sounds good at the moment. I'm in the mood for something fucked up.

It's another few minutes before I finally get to the counter. The young man behind the register has seen me here many times and I give him a polite smile before ordering my usual order of black coffee plus Ashley's cappuccino. I hand him some money, telling him to keep the change. I walk over to the pickup counter and wait, tapping my foot to the beat of "Eifersucht" and watch the baristas work hard to get orders out. I'll always have a profound respect for people in customer service after working in a record shop for two years. I think I was on the better end of it though, if I had to be honest.

"Amanda!" The barista calls out and I raise a hand. As I gather up the drinks, I thank her and tell her to have a good before walking out the door.

Since my hands are full, I can't really go through my iPod so Sehnsucht continues to play. A familiar whistling tune starts and I whistle along with it, probably annoying everyone walking near me. I start taking sips of my coffee to keep warm and feel myself perking up right away. We got back pretty late and we were, well, doing activities for quite some time and I didn't get much sleep but I think it was the first time I've slept through the night in awhile though. I'm also surprised he was able to sneak out without me waking up since I'm such a light sleeper.

I climb the steps of my apartment swiftly and set the coffees down on the ground while I pull my headphones off and put them back in my bag, getting my keys out to unlock the door and remembering to grab the coffees off the ground. Ashley is still on the couch, channel surfing. Kyle walks out of his room and waves.

"Hey, did you have a good night," I ask him, closing the door behind me.

"Yeah, I did. How about you," he walks over to the refrigerator with his coffee mug and grabs the milk.

"It was fine. Oh, we don't have coffee."

"Shit," he exclaims, putting the milk back in the refrigerator, closing the door with a little more force than needed, "I am draggin' today. I'm so fucking tired."

"I'm sorry. I would have got you some coffee but I didn't know when you'd be back," I reply, handing Ashley her drink. She smiles at me and continues to just listen.

"It's fine. I'll probably just go get some," he says, washing his coffee mug out in the sink. I pull off my hoodie and throw it on the couch and collapse into it, Ashley shifting and putting her legs on top of mine this time.

"Thanks for the coffee. It's delicious," she says between sips. I rest mine on my leg as I watch Kyle come towards us.

"So what did you ladies get into last night after I left," Kyle asks, joining us in the chair diagonal from the couch. I look at Ashley and she blushes.

"Amanda met some guy who introduced us to his other friends," Ashley starts, looking like she's trying to figure out what to say, "And I ended up taking one of them back to my hotel and doing things you probably don't care to hear about."

Kyle doesn't look surprised at how Ashley's evening went. His eyes turn to me and he smirks.

"So, who's this guy you met?"

"It's not what you think. He bumped into me at the bar and spilled our drinks so he bought me two more and he wanted us to join him and his friends. He was just being friendly," I reply. I feel bad but I'm not really lying. That is how the evening went down. I don't think Ashley would even remember Till and I talking, let alone us leaving together, with how wrapped up in Paul she was. As I finish my thought, there's a knock on the door.

Kyle gets up and walks over, looking through the peephole and then back at us, shrugging. He opens the door and a man on the other side starts speaking. I can't see him and he's talking too low for me to hear. All of the sudden, a bouquet of beautiful red roses gets shoved into Kyle's arms. He closes the door and starts walking towards me while getting the card out.

"It says 'Amanda'," he replies, handing me the bouquet and the card. It's a small white envelope with my name on it. I hand the flowers to Ashley, who is looking rather envious, while I dig the card out. Luckily, it's in German so the others won't understand it:

_"I'm sorry I had to leave this morning. Let me take you to dinner to make up for it. Call me as soon as you can."_

I'm grinning from ear to ear like an idiot when I look up at Kyle, who has a very suspicious look on his face.

"Someone has some explaining to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was originally going to wait to post the second chapter on 1/08 but I've decided to start uploading new chapters on Fridays. It's not a 100% guarantee but as I have most of the story worked out, it's what I'm trying to hold myself to. It also gives everyone who's interested a tentative release date for new chapters! Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments so far. Please consider leaving a comment if you enjoy the story. Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

Well, this is awkward. My two best friends in the entire world are staring at me so harshly right now and I have no idea what to do. I feel completely frozen so I pretend to read the card a little longer before grabbing the flowers and getting off the couch, refusing to make eye contact with either of them as I make my way into the kitchen to find something to put them in.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on," I hear Kyle say.

"It's obvious. She hooked up with one of those guys last night. He must be in love if he's already sending her flowers," Ashley quips. I find a tall glass in the back of a cupboard to use as a makeshift vase. I should pick one the next time I go out to give these flowers a proper place to stand. I'm still in shock that he sent me flowers, especially red roses. They're beautiful and I hear my friends continue their conversation about me as I arrange them.

"She wouldn't just hook up with someone after a few hours. She's not like that." Is that a good thing or a bad thing? After setting the flowers in the glass, I walk back into the living room with a glare on my face.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean," I scoff. Kyle looks up at me, red and embarrassed at what he said.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just...you haven't been like that since like, high school." I continue to glare at him, trying to figure out what exactly he's implying.

"NO! Shit, I just mean-"

"I'm gonna go ahead and just stop you right there before you say something you really regret," I reply, holding up my hand. I know he doesn't mean any harm but he's tiptoeing through a minefield right now and I don't feel like getting completely pissed off with my roommate. There's silence as Kyle shamefully hangs his head, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"So, are you going to tell us what's going on," Ashley finally asks.

"I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because that's my business but Till accompanied me home since I was coming home alone," I start, staring at Ashley, "and he came in and we hung out for awhile."

"Was he the guy sitting next to you? He had black hair and REALLY muscular?" she asks, flexing her arms to indicate who she was talking about.

"Yes. His name is Till. I'm really surprised you remember since you seemed very wrapped up in Paul," I reply, glaring at her once again. She rolls her eyes, no shame for how her evening panned out.

"I remember because Paul was telling me how he writes their songs and he's a really good poet. And I remember thinking 'That guy? He looks very intimidating.' I mean, he really was! He was sitting there, brooding until he started talking to you."

"What do you mean he writes songs? Are they in a band," Kyle finally perks up. Oh no.

"Yeah. And a pretty popular one too, apparently. I've never heard of them though," she responds. Kyle looks up at me, an apprehensive look on his face.

"Amanda. What band?"

Well, there's no hiding it now. Kyle was the one that came with me to their show a couple of weeks ago. He was the one to put their songs on my iPod and told me to check them out after hearing them in a CD shop, knowing that I would dig them. I really did.

"They're from Rammstein," I answer, barely above a whisper. His jaw drops.

"You're kidding me," he says, utterly shocked.

"Yeah! That was the name Paul said. I couldn't remember it," Ashley interjects.

"Ashley, you don't understand. They aren't some underground band. They're INCREDIBLY successful." Kyle stands up and leans against the wall. I can't get a read on him, something that's very new to me. Is he happy? Disappointed? I can't tell what he's feeling.

"Did Till lay that on you to come inside," Ashley jokes.

"No. I knew who Richard was when he talked to me at the bar. Kyle and I went to their show a couple of weeks ago. When we got to the booth, I noticed it was everyone else in the band." It's Ashley's turn to drop her jaw.

"Well, you could have let me know!"

"I didn't really have a chance! You were kinda busy from the second we sat down!" I'm getting incredibly frustrated at this point. It's not that big of a deal and they're sitting here making a mountain out of a mole hill.

"Look, I don't know what the big deal is. They're people, just like you and me," I finally say.

"Are you naive?" Kyle starts, finally speaking up, "These guys tour and travel and probably do all the stupid rockstar bullshit, including picking up a new girl every night. I don't want to see you two getting involved in that bullshit." Ashley looks at him like he's an idiot.

"Do you really think I was going to start a meaningful relationship while I'm here on vacation? This isn't some stupid romantic movie. I knew exactly what it was and I'm perfectly fine with it." I look at her, wondering how she can so easily put up a wall between her and the male population.

"And what about you?" His gaze turns to me and it feels unkind. I really don't like the inquisition that's going on right now and I'm doing everything I can to stand strong but my knees feel like buckling.

"I thought the same thing. I don't know what's happening," I reply. That really was the truth. I thought for sure that he would be gone and that I wouldn't see him again. I thought him leaving his phone number might have just been to hook up again whenever he's around. The flowers have really thrown me for a loop.

Kyle sighs, running a hand through his hair as he walks over to me. He stops right in front of me but I don't want to look at him. I don't know whether I'm mad or upset at him, the possibility of both very high. He puts his hands on my shoulders and lets out a long sigh.

"I'm not trying to be mean. If I've said something that's upset you, I'm very sorry. I just...I feel like we just got you put back together. I'm not okay with seeing you get your heart broken. I'm not going to see you spiral again. We work in this world. We know how these guys operate. I'm not saying all of them but from what I've seen, a lot of them aren't great. I just have a feeling that something bad will happen."

I finally look up at him, bewildered by what just came out of his mouth. While appreciative of his support, it was me who put myself back together. Of course I know that I didn't do it without help but I wouldn't be here if I didn't do a majority of the work. I travelled across the world to put the pieces of my sanity back together.

And the stereotype? Sure, it's true that we've been around many musicians, most not as gentlemanly as I'd hope, but I don't think it's fair to make that assumption. Especially since I know almost nothing about Till at this point. The things I do know, I really enjoy. I don't think this is going to turn into some fairytale but I'm wanting to see where it goes, even if it doesn't work out. As stupid and cliché as it sounds, I'll get absolutely nowhere if I don't at least try. At this point, I don't know what to say. As a few moments pass, I finally collect my thoughts and feel able to construe them.

"I appreciate you trying to look out for me but I'm a big girl. I don't know what this is or what it'll turn into but I'd like to find out. I don't think it's too much to ask for some support," and with that, I grab my purse with one hand, my coffee in the other, and march to my room, shutting the door behind me.

I throw my purse on my bed a little harder than necessary but at this point, I'm really angry. Not only is he grilling me for no reason but he's bring up things of my past that I'm not proud of. So what if I was a little promiscuous as a teenager. Aren't most teenagers like that? It's harder to be accountable for all of that, especially after all the stupid shit I went through. It's hard getting secrets thrown back in my face like that.

Chugging the rest of my coffee (now only lukewarm), I throw the paper cup in the wastebasket and flop onto my bed, nearly avoiding my purse. My head gets buried into my pillow and I do everything to hold back tears. I'm so much stronger than this. I know that this is just a hiccup and I want to believe he didn't mean to be cruel but it just fucking hurts too much to brush it off. I keep telling my own mind to be upset for a few minutes and then work on calming down.

As I turn my head, I notice that my cell phone has fallen out of my open bag. His card did say to call him. Was he wanting to do something tonight? I grab the phone, opening it up and staring at his contact number. I feel like I'm in high school again, ready to call my crush and tell him how much I adore him. Oh god, please don't let me relive that bullshit today.

As I'm about to hit the little green button, I hear the front door open and shut rather hardly. My nerves finally settle enough for me to start the phone call. The phone trills four times before a deep voice answers.

"Hallo?"

"Hey, umm, it's Amanda."

"Hallo. Did you get my present?" A big stupid grin comes across my face.

"Yes, I did. Thank you. They're so beautiful."

"I'm so sorry I had to leave this morning. What are you doing this evening?" I try to think if there was anything going on but my mind comes up blank.

"I don't think I'm up to anything."

"Good. Let me take you out to dinner. I won't take no for an answer." It would seem like the bedroom is not the only place he's assertive. I let out a small laugh before I respond.

"How could I ever say no? Where were you thinking?"

"There's a really good restaurant that's not far from you." Hopefully nothing too crazy or super expensive. I like to think I'm a pretty easy date.

"Now, how dressed up do I need to be for this restaurant?" I hear him chuckle and it lifts my mood slightly.

"You aren't going to a wedding but you aren't relaxing at home."

"Gotcha." There's a knock on my door and Ashley walks in and I take that as my cue to get off the phone.

"I'm sorry but I need to go. What time will you be here?"

"Would 7 be okay?"

"That's perfect. I'll see you later."

"I'll see you tonight." I close the phone and turn to Ashley, who is waiting in the doorway.

"How you doin', babe," she asks as she walks over and sits down on the bed next to me. I just shrug as an answer. I'm still a little mixed up, even though talking to Till did help some.

"Did Kyle leave?" She nods.

"He was a little angry and said he needed to go out. It'll calm him down."

"Yeah. That's what he does." I cuddle up to her and lay my head on her shoulder and she starts rubbing my head, knowing that it comforts me.

"You know he wasn't trying to hurt you, right? I think he was just worried and everything started falling out his mouth wrong."

"I know. It just hurts. I don't want to be mad at him but it fucking sucks to get everything thrown in your face like that. I'm not super proud of things I've done in the past."

"I know. That was super unfair of him but he'll cool off and come apologize. So, were you talking to Till?" I nod, smiling small so that I don't give away my excitement level.

"We're going to dinner tonight."

"I'm happy for you! Hopefully he's as good in bed as Paul is because I think you need one good night and I had a FANTASTIC night." She loves finding any excuse to talk about her sex life but in this case, I think she means well.

"He's pretty good.." I start, not realizing what exactly I was admitting to. I had only said that he hung out here, not that we slept together. Ashley gasps then giggles, grabbing a pillow and hitting me with it playfully.

"I KNEW IT." We start laughing, pillow fighting like we did when we were teenagers. Eventually, we tire ourselves out and lay down on my bed, huffing and puffing. Maybe this was what I needed because I already start feeling better.

"We aren't kids anymore," I quip, she starts laughing.

"That doesn't mean we can't have fun anymore. Especially you."

"I think I need to be a little more careful though," I respond, thinking about older times. I think I have a feeling of what she's going to say next.

"You really like this guy, don't you," she asks, shifting to her side and laying her head on her propped up arm.

"I don't know," I shrug, being brutally honest, "I like what I've seen of him. I'd like to see where it goes."

She takes my hand in hers, something she doesn't do too often. It's usually after a heart to heart, knowing that I need some kind of affection.

"I love you," she starts, looking very deeply into my eyes "and Kyle loves you. He may have shown it in the wrong way but you know he does. You know we're going to do whatever we have to do to keep you happy. If that means I have to beat up that hulk because he breaks your heart, I'll do it." I start laughing, thinking about how comical that would look.

"I just think you both are rushing to conclusions. Let's just see how this goes." We haven't even went on a date yet. Everyone else is five steps ahead of where I'm at. Ashley gets up from the bed and straightens out her sweater while I continue to lay on the bed.

"I think I'm going to go back to my hotel and try and catch up on sleep. This time change is kickin' my ass." I get up and she wraps her arm around my shoulder as we walk out to the living room. She grabs her purse and heads towards the door.

"We'll plan something for tomorrow," she says, putting on her jacket, "Maybe we can take a shopping trip or something."

"Yeah, just call me in the morning." I give her a hug goodbye and she's out the door. Once again, I'm all alone in my apartment. Hopefully, Kyle will come back soon so I can talk to him. I hate the feeling of things being left unresolved.

I walk over to the counter, grabbing my book off if it and my body sinks back into the couch. This must be the hundredth time that I've read my favorite book, A Clockwork Orange. I remember reading this book for the first time back in high school and then finding out it was also a movie, which is also one of my favorites.

As I start reading about Alex's ultra-violence, Kyle walks in the door, holding a couple of brown paper bags. He must have went and got some groceries.

"Did Ashley leave?" Is he still so mad that he can't even give me a simple hello?

"Yeah," I reply, putting my book down on the couch, "She was tired so she wanted to go back to her hotel and sleep."

"Good, because we should talk," he says as he sits the brown bags down before making his way over to the couch. He sits down next to me and I turn toward him but still not wanting to make eye contact just yet.

"I said a lot of things earlier. A lot of things that came out the wrong way," he says, grabbing my hand, "I need you to know that I love you and I care about you. I think a lot of it is because you don't have your family anymore and I feel like I have to look out for you harder than anyone because I don't want you to go through anymore heartbreak."

I feel the tears starting up in my eyes. When I finally look at him, I can see in his face how sorry he is. It hurts me to see him hurt way more than how I was feeling earlier. I knew from the moment I walked away from him that I wouldn't stay mad at him. Ashley coming in and talking to me was a big help.

"I'm not mad, Kyle. It was just a lot of word vomit and everything coming out wrong."

He pulls me in for a very long, much needed hug. Tears start falling onto his shoulder but nonetheless, he holds me close, knowing that once I start crying that it's hard to stop. He rubs my back gently, knowing that I just need a minute to gather myself. When I'm finally able to hold it together, he lets go of me.

"Are we okay?" I nod, smiling at him. He gets up from the couch as I wipe my eyes.

"Good because in case we weren't cool, I bought you something." He starts rummaging through the bags, pulling out some food he's picked up before the holy grail: a package from my favorite bakery.

"I picked up some of that streusel cake that you love so much," he says, opening up the package and revealing the drool inducing dessert that I've come to love since being here.

"This is a very good bribe. I still get to keep the cake even though I already forgave you, right?"

"Of course, as long as I get a piece," he answers, chuckling. He starts dishing out pieces of cake and he hands me a plate and smiles that smile I love so much. I knew we'd come back to this point. We always come back to this point.

 

* * *

 

I exit my bedroom in my towel and head towards our shared bathroom to start getting ready for dinner. It's 5:30 and I want plenty of time because running late is one of my greatest annoyances. Before I get to the bathroom, I hear Kyle on the phone, sweet talking Lena. I'm so glad we were able to hash things out. It would have been the only thing on my mind tonight and being distracted would have been very annoying.

I turn the shower on the almost highest heat setting, giving it a couple of minutes before I jump in. I take my towel off and rest it on the sink. While waiting, I take in my appearance in the mirror over the sink. Over the last four years, I've acquired a tattoo every year on my birthday. It's become somewhat of a tradition and it's the only thing I do for the occasion.

My left wrist has my father's birthday. I refused to put the day he died on my body because there's no way I'd ever forget that day. My right arm has a small, cartoonish yellow submarine tattooed on my forearm right before the elbow crease, for the memories of listening to the Beatles with my dad. I look down and see my right foot and the evil fairytale tree tattooed on it. That one hurt the fucking worst. It was my first tattoo that I got and it was mostly to piss off my mother, even though she was already dead at the time. I grew up with a friend who did tattoos out of his basement. It sounds really sketchy but it turned out exactly how I wanted it to. Finally, I turn around and see the most extensive work on my body: a large black and white filigree piece with a beautifully colored jewel in the middle tattooed on the back of my thigh. It's by far my favorite original piece, receiving it from a friend I made while I stayed in Ireland.

The shower starts letting off enough heat to steam up the mirror and I realize that I've been gawking too long and I'm ready to soak under the water. I step in, getting use to the warm water quickly, making sure my hair gets completely wet before I start lathering my shampoo in deeply and washing it out. Next is the conditioner, doing the same exact thing. Then I wash my body completely with my favorite vanilla body scrub. After that, it's just a quick grooming session for body hair. Finally done with my shower checklist, I turn the shower off and wring out my hair. Stepping onto the cold tile, I grab my towel and wrap it around my body once again.

I walk out of the bathroom and notice that Kyle has left. Must have went to go see Lena again. He's been spending so many nights there that it's almost like I don't have a roommate anymore. I start feeling incredibly cold so I rush off to my room, closing the door behind me and moving the towel from my body to my hair, trying to towel dry as much of it as I can.

Usually when I have to get ready to go somewhere, I find a vinyl album to put into the record player that my dad got me for my 15th birthday. Besides the picture I have from that day, this is my favorite thing that I own. When he died, I inherited all of his old vinyl records and have done everything possible to take care of them. I've even added many of my own to the collection. As I scroll through some of them in one of the old milk crates I store them in, I realize how badly I need to organize them. That'd be one hell of an undertaking. I end up picking Sisters of Mercy out of the bunch, letting "Dominion" flow through my room. This was definitely one of the ones I added to the collection since my dad wasn't into goth rock.

Opening my closet, I start panicking at what I should wear tonight. If only I hadn't worn my go-to outfit last night to the bar. Part of me wants to go with another skirt but the other part tells me to switch it up so I go towards the back of my closet near the dresses. Some seem a little too formal and as I rifle through them, I finally find one towards the end. It's an all black flared dress that I could easily add some color to with my red ankle strap heels. I lay the outfit out on my bed, including a sexy black lace bra and the matching black lace panties.

"Lucretia My Reflection" starts playing and my hips automatically start moving. This is definitely my favorite song on this album. I plug in my hair curler and start unwinding my hair dryer, even though my hair is almost dry. Since I want to put some loose curls in my hair, my hair needs to be completely dry. I try to get through this as quickly as I can so that I can hear the music again. I take a quick glance at the clock and see that it's 6:36. I really need to hurry.

I finally get my hair where I want it and start moving onto my makeup. I've never been the best at putting on makeup, considering my mom or my sister didn't give a damn to teach me anything, but I can normally get away with very minimal makeup. I put on some black eyeliner and apply some mascara to make my blue eyes pop, then I pick out a dark red lipstick and apply a very light coat. It'll come off anyways, either from the meal or Till.

I step into my underwear, put on my bra and zip up my little black dress, doing everything I can to make sure I don't mess up my hair. I take a seat at the end of my bed to put my shoes on and as soon as I stand up, I know I'm going to regret these shoes in the morning. Tonight, I'm picking sexiness over comfort. I go back into my closet for the last time, pulling out a smaller clutch purse to transfer my phone, keys, and wallet into. I make sure my record player gets turned off before I finally leave my room. As I walk into the kitchen, I hear a knock on the door. My heels clack against the floor and when I look out the peephole, Till is on the other side.

Opening the door, Till turns towards me and smiles.

"Guten Abend," he says, his voice incredibly smooth.

"Good evening, sir. Come in, I'm almost done getting ready." I walk away from the door and I hear Till come in and close the door behind him. I sneak a glance at Till while I put my items in my clutch: he has a black button up dress shirt, dress pants, and what looks like a pair of boots. He looks damn good. He walks into the kitchen behind me and I feel his arms wrap around my waist.

"You look lovely," he whispers in my ear. I turn around to face him, resting my hands on his shoulders.

"Thank you. You look very handsome." He lays a peck on my cheek and lets go of me. I finally get my clutch together and Till walks over to the coat rack, pulling my pea-coat off of it.

"Are you ready?

I smile and nod, walking over towards the door. He holds my coat open for me so I can slip it on and I button it up. He holds the door open for me and I walk out, lingering so that I can lock it behind us. I hear him already walking down the steps as I lock up. As I turn towards the stairs, I start panicking a little and decide that taking the stairs slowly is my best bet.

"Are you able to walk in those," he points, laughing. I chuckle, holding onto the railing for dear life.

"I'm fine on flat ground, jerk. I just don't trust these stairs. Just be ready to catch me in case I do fall." He perches on the last two steps, arms open and ready with a grin on his face. What a smartass.

"It's good that I drove here. You wouldn't have lasted if we were walking."

"I probably would have begged you for a piggy back ride," I say.

"It's a shame I'll miss the opportunity to hear you beg."

When I get to the bottom of the stairs, I give him a playful punch in the arm. He starts laughing, wrapping an arm around my waist and escorting me to the car parked on the curb. He opens the door for me, giving me his hand to get in. What a gentleman. I watch him walk around and get into the driver's seat. It's been so long since I've been in a car that wasn't a cab. I've gotten so use to walking around the city since I came here. The car starts up and we drive off.

"So where are you taking me," I ask, breaking the silence.

"Do you like Italian?"

"I do. I don't think I've had Italian since I've lived here," I respond, stress washing away. I was so afraid of him taking me to a super fancy restaurant with food I've never had before.

"There's an Italian restaurant fifteen minutes away. I thought you would enjoy it," he says, smiling at me.

"Sounds great," I answer, excited for the evening ahead.

 

* * *

 

Once we get to the destination, I remember that I've have passed this particular restaurant many times from my adventures around Berlin. Till parks the car and rushes out to open my door for me, taking my hand to help me. We walk into the restaurant and it's not super busy, which is surprising for a Saturday night. Till talks to the maitre d' and asks for a booth towards the back. I guess he just wants some privacy, which is something I can appreciate. He probably doesn't want to be bothered by fans. We get escorted to a table with a singular booth seat. Till helps me take my coat off and lets me into the booth before sitting down himself. The waiter was already there, waiting for our drink order.

"I'll have a water, please," I say.

"I'll have a water as well," Till replies. The waiter scurries off and we're finally alone. I start looking over the menu.

"This place is lovely. Thank you for taking me here." Till looks up from his menu and smiles. His smile is something I could get very use to seeing.

"Thank you for coming here with me. What are you going to order?"

"I was thinking about the ravioli. What about you?"

"The lasagna sounds good." The waiter comes back and he takes our order. Hopefully we won't have interruptions for awhile.

"How was your time in the studio today," I ask, recalling that Schneider mentioned something about it last night. He looks surprised that I remembered.

"Just more mixing and arguing," he answers.

"I'm assuming that's normal?" He nods, trying to brush some strands of hair behind his ear.

"That's what happens when six headstrong men get into a room together."

The waiter brings a basket of breadsticks and I take one, breaking it in half and nibbling on the end. When they come, I realize that I haven't ate anything besides the streusel cake Kyle brought me. I'm feeling pretty famished but the breadstick is helping. Hopefully I don't look too much like a pig as I scarf it down.

"So I want to know more about you. We didn't really get into specifics last night," I hear him say, my gut twisting from what I'm assuming isn't hunger. The "getting to know you" phase is always so awkward and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I do want to know more about him but my life hasn't been the greatest and I'm wondering how much I'd be able to say without scaring him away.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything would be nice but I don't think we could fit that into one evening."

"Well, ask me something and I'll answer it," I reply, nervously shrugging. I'm not trying to sound rude or anything but I have no idea where to start.

"You told me last night that your parents passed away. How did that happen?" I had a feeling that this was what was coming since it was the biggest piece of information I shared about myself last night.

"My mom died of leukemia and my dad just had a bad heart. He went to sleep and didn't wake up," I answer, shrugging. I've had to explain so many times what happened to my parents that the words don't cut as deeply anymore, at least the ones about my mom.

"Were you close to your parents?"

"My dad was my biggest fan. He was a really good parent but he was also like my best friend. As far as my mom, we didn't have much of a relationship. I always felt more like an obligation to her instead of her daughter. We were just very opposite people. They divorced when I was around 2 years old but I was with my mom the majority of the time."

"My parents divorced when I was young as well. You have a sister, right," he asks, probably trying to go to a lighter conversation. I'm surprised he remembered the other girl in the family photo he saw last night.

"She's technically my half sister because we have different dads but she was always around so I didn't think any differently about her."

"Are you two close?"

"No," I sigh, eating the other half of my breadstick, "Besides the fact that my mom liked her a hell of a lot more than me, there was a lot of family drama that happened and that's a long story for another day," I chuckle, trying to laugh through it.

"It seems like you're all alone. Do you have any other family," he asks, trying to be sympathetic.

"Not really. My mom was an only child and I haven't seen my dad's family in a long time. I try and stay in touch with my grandmother but she hates that I don't talk to my sister anymore. My friends have become my psuedo-family. I've had Kyle and Ashley looking out for me since high school. They've always been more of a family than my own anyways." I study his expressions after divulging all this personal information. He's been listening to me very intently, almost like he wants to remember every word I say as it comes out of my mouth.

"But I think you've heard enough about me. What about you?" He perks up, nervously. He grabs a breadstick and starts picking at it and putting pieces in his mouth.

"What do you want to know?"

"Are you close with your parents?" He shifts in his seat, folding his hands on top of the table.

"Yes and no. I guess it depends on the time period. When I was a kid? Not really. My father passed away a few years ago." I shift closer towards him and grab one of his hands, holding it tightly in mine.

"I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, I understand how hard that can be." He laces his fingers within mine and looks deeply into my eyes. His gaze is very intimidating but at the same time, I could stare into those eyes forever.

"I don't think my father and I were as close as you and yours were. We had a lot of conflict and he died pretty suddenly. We didn't get the chance to patch things up."

"It was the same with me and my mom but that was more about saying a lot of things I didn't get to say than patching things up." He starts rubbing his thumb along my hand. I didn't think we'd be getting this deep tonight. The waiter brings our food and refills our glasses. After a few minutes of eating, I decide to try and lighten the mood.

"So, I need to know what your diet is because your physique is incredible." He starts laughing, forking at the food on his plate.

"I eat whatever I want. I'm just very active because I use to be a swimmer. I was actually shortlisted to go to the Olympics." My mouth drops.

"That's amazing! That must have been incredible,"

"I ended up getting injured and couldn't participate. It is an interesting anecdote in my life," he answers, a small smile spreading across his face.

"Definitely more interesting than mine," I retort, continuing to take bites out of my food.

"I noticed you have some art on your body last night. What's the story behind these," he asks, pointing to my wrist tattoo on my left arm.

"This one is my dad's birthday. Not that I would forget it but he really was the most important person in my life." He takes a hold of my wrist and examines the date closer and starts laughing.

"I'm 10 years younger than your father." This takes me by surprise. He certainly does not look 40 years old but it doesn't bother me. I think I've always had an attraction towards older men anyways. I have a feeling my dad would flip if he were still alive, eventually getting over it once it settled in.

"It doesn't bother you that I'm 25?" I hate asking it but you never know, it might be a real deal breaker.

"As long as it doesn't bother you that I'm 40," he answers, chuckling. He continues to look over my body for more tattoos.

"And this one?" He points to my right arm.

"It's a yellow submarine."

"Like the song?"

"Like the song," I repeat. "Music has always been a really big part of my life. My dad was a big part of that, buying me my record player and buying me vinyl and whatnot. One of my favorites, I guess the one I have the most memories of, is the Beatles."

"I don't think I've heard the Beatles in years. It's nice to see someone who enjoys the classics." He looks over the tattoos once more before I continue on.

"The others don't have much meaning behind them. I have one on my foot and that was to piss my mother off and the one on the back of my thigh was done by someone I had met when I stayed in Ireland."

"A boyfriend?" He asks, narrowing his eyes towards me while grinning.

"Oh no. He was just a friend who was starting out his tattoo apprenticeship. He showed me pictures of his work and I volunteered to have a piece done. It turned out beautifully.

"I'd love to see them all in more lighting," he says coyly, winking at me.

"I think I've done enough talking about myself tonight. I'm also getting really full from all the food."

"You don't want dessert," he asks.

"I always leave just enough room for dessert. I have a ravenous sweet tooth," I reply, smiling at him. He starts chuckling as he takes the last bite of his food. I know there's no way I'll be able to finish mine tonight so it'll be tomorrow's breakfast. The waiter comes back to check on us.

"So, will you be ordering dessert tonight?" I look over at Till and he smiles. He orders a slice of tiramisu to share.

 

* * *

 

After a large dinner and dessert, Till paid the bill while I was in the restroom, continuing the image of being a perfect gentleman. The waiter bagged up what was left of my food and Till was holding it while waiting for me to return. He offers me his arm and I take it as we walk back to his car. Once again, he opens the door and I get in, holding the still warm food on my lap. He gets in the driver's seat and we start heading back towards my apartment. We sit in silence until we get back but it doesn't feel uncomfortable. His hand lands on my knee, gently rubbing circles into it with his thumb while he drives.

As I climb up the familiar stairs, I wonder at how the rest of this evening is going to unfold. As much as I'd like a repeat of last night, I would like to see us going into something more than just sex. I'm also torn because I don't want the night to end. This is probably one of the best dates I've ever had and it was so simple and amazing. I unlock the door and we walk inside, the apartment completely empty and silent. I walk over and put my food in the fridge, Till still standing in the doorway.

"So, what now," I ask, very timidly while shrugging my shoulders. He starts slinking towards me and I start giggling, so amused with his movements. He wraps his very strong arms around me and pulls me close to his chest.

"As much as I would love to stay here and ravage your body for the rest of the night, I unfortunately have to get back. We have an early studio time tomorrow." I frown, a little bummed out that he can't stay. I walk him to the door and linger there with him.

"Can I come see you tomorrow night? It would be late."

"Sure. How about you call me tomorrow and let me know when?"

"Of course," he answers. His hands move towards my waist and he pulls me in, giving me a very passionate kiss. His arms wrap around me as my hands rest on his forearms. I playfully bite at his lower lip, teasing him. When I open my eyes, he's staring down at me.

"I knew you were going to be trouble," he finally says, laying a kiss on my cheek before letting go.

"Gute Nacht, Täubchen," he says, that devilish grin on his face before he shuts the door.

Little dove? It has a nice ring to it.


	4. Chapter 4

My eyes struggle to open as the sound of my cell phone vibrating on my nightstand wakes me out of a deep slumber. I groan and struggle to grab it from where I'm laying and once I get it in my hands, I open it very irritably. I'm always this cranky in the morning.

"Hallo?"

"Hey! How are you not awake yet?" Ashley is too fucking chipper this morning and I'm not awake enough to handle it.

"I sleep normal, Berlin hours. Pretty sure you're still on US time," I respond very grouchily, yawning loud enough for her to hear clearly.

"Well, how about a shopping trip today? You'll never believe what I found near my hotel." I don't even bother answering. I'm just not awake enough to play guessing games. "I found the cutest little lingerie shop. I want to pick up some new things to take home. Do you wanna meet me there in an hour? Then we can go get lunch."

An address and a simple "mm-hmm" later and I'm off the phone. I 'm not ready to get out of bed so I linger for a few more minutes, yawning and cuddling my pillow just a little longer. Last night was so relaxing and so good, especially with all the personal details we both shared. Everything just felt really calm and unforced. I don't think I've ever been with anyone where I felt that I didn't have to hold back some parts of myself as a precaution. I didn't know we would ending up having so much in common when it comes to what we've both experienced in life.

It was a shame that he couldn't stay but I'm also somewhat glad. There's that small part of me that feels like I need to hold out to make sure he's wanting to stick around, even though I've already given him quite a bit of myself already. I definitely sense my feelings starting to come through but I know I need to cool it for now and play it safe. I'm just glad I'm starting to feel something, anything like this again.

I finally muster up enough strength and drag myself out of bed, rubbing my eyes and stretching out my limbs as I walk to my dresser. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed up so late reading but it usually makes me tired enough to fall asleep. This is what I get for picking up a new book before bed.

I go through my dresser, instinctively pulling out a pair of jeans (probably my most worn pair due to all the rips throughout the legs) along with a fresh pair of underwear and matching bra. I make my way over to my closet and search through my t-shirts, finding an old Judas Priest shirt and taking it from the hanger. I've had this particular one since I was a teenager and I'm surprised it's lasted this long. As I strip out of my gym shorts and tank top, I fold them and place them back on the top of my dresser, knowing there's a very good chance I'll be changing back into them when I get home.

When I take a quick look at my reflection in the mirror, I see that I still have most of the curl in my hair from last night and could get away with wearing it down for another day. I quickly add some more eyeliner to last night's makeup, silently scolding myself to really start taking it off before I go to sleep. I always wake up looking like a raccoon with how much I rub my eyes in my sleep.

My clutch from last night is still on the table but I'm already running behind due to being lazy in bed and have no time to switch it out for my regular bag. I just grab it, throw my phone into it, grab my favorite pair of very worn but very comfortable ballerina flats and head out the door.

 

* * *

 

When I arrive at the address she gave me, Ashley is already outside and on her phone. She's been on her damn phone so much lately. I'm slightly late but Ashley doesn't seem to notice. From her demeanor, it looks like she's talking to her mother again. When she sees me approaching, she mouths me a sorry and I smile, laughing it off. She eventually hangs up and lets out a groan.

"She's afraid that I've been kidnapped and killed every time I don't answer my phone." She shoves the phone deeply into her bag, huffing and pushing her hair out of her face. Sometimes, I wish I had a mom that was that overbearing. Ashley tells me all the time that I wouldn't want that but I can't help but wonder that maybe it would have changed a lot of things in my life.

"You'd think she'd learn by now that you sleep all the time," I quip.

"Anyways, let's do some damage. I'm ready to reach my credit card limit."

"Well, I guess I'm ready to spend the part of my paycheck that didn't go to drinks the other night. I sobered up really quick when I saw that tab." I forgot how much nights at the bar really add up. I've made decent money since working here but there's always that nagging reminder of when I didn't have money that makes me hold out on spending anything. She laughs and tugs at my hand, pulling me into what I thought was going to be just a lingerie shop but turns out, it's actually a sex shop.

We start browsing and nothing I've seen so far has really jumped out at me. I would usually do this kind of shopping by myself, even though I don't think I've been in a sex shop in at least five years. It's not that I'm uncomfortable shopping for these things but I just don't need interjections on things, good or bad.

"So I have a question for you," she asks suddenly. She never starts her conversations like this and it has me worried. She's always been very blunt, something that I've always appreciated about her. She eyes a latex body suit and won't make eye contact with me.

"Should I be concerned?"

"No! I mean, I don't think so .... Well, you know how much I fucking hated college and that I did that for my parents, right?" She never was a part of the 9 to 5 crowd. She got picked up by a modeling agency right out of high school and she's done enough modeling work to sustain her for the last few years. Plus, there's nothing her parents wouldn't give her if she asked. I know she asks for quite a bit, including a vacation to Germany. I can't complain about that one though.

"Sure? Why am I scared by where this is going?"

"I've just been thinking, and I've also been-" she starts, sighing, I don't think I've seen her this distressed in a long time. "I've been getting offers from companies to do some adult work." I'm surprised but at the same time, I'm not. She's always been a very sexual creature and that's just who she is. I wouldn't change anything about her.

"Did you think I would be upset about that?"

"I didn't know. I mean, you're my sister, even if it isn't by blood. I need to know what you think before I do anything." I'm honestly so touched that I try not to cry in the middle of a goddamn sex shop. Usually, I'm the only one who's sappy and this time, the tables have turned. I love this girl so much.

"Ashley, if that's what you want to do, I'll support you. I'm not going to turn my back on you or anything. I don't look down on the people who do that. I'll just have to be more careful with the porn I watch, I guess." It shocks me to see her tearing up, something I've seen her do maybe four times in the 10 years I've know her. I bring her into a hug and she holds onto me as tight as she can, still holding some clothes over her arm.

"I love you, Amanda."

"I love you, too." She quickly wipes away the tears and goes back to her usually perky self.

"Okay, well, I'm going to go try these on." She walks off to one of the dressing rooms in the back. I continue to look around the shop, trying to find something new and fun. I've never needed to buy lingerie before but I've never been against it. My phone starts buzzing in my clutch and when I pull it out, it shows me a number that makes me very happy.

"Hallo?"

"Hallo, Täubchen." His voice makes my knees weak.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"We were taking a break from recording. What are you doing?"

"I'm just out shopping with Ashley. How's your studio time going?"

"It's stressful. I'll be a lot happier when things are finished. Are you getting anything fun?"

"Maybe some new lingerie. Maybe some new toys to play with." He chuckles, exhaling.

"Something I'll get to see tonight?"

"Maybe. I guess that depends if you're still coming over."

"I was coming over, even before I had this information," he laughs, exhaling again. He's probably taking a smoke break.

"What time?"

"I can be there around 10, 10:30 at the latest."

"That sounds good. I'll pick out something special for you," I try to say as sultry as I can without other ears hearing.

"We'll see if it survives the night," he replies, chuckling and being as hush as he can. Ashley comes out of the dressing room towards me, holding everything she went in with. She really is wanting to max out her credit card, isn't she? I start shaking my head in amusement.

"I should probably go so I can keep shopping. See you tonight."

"I'll be counting the minutes, Täubchen." The phone clicks. As much as I love the nickname, I wonder how he came to "little dove." Either way, the pressure is on to find something for tonight. That's what I get for making promises.

"I'm about to spend SO much money. Who was that?"

"It was Till. He's coming over tonight so I need to find something to wear but I have a feeling it won't make it until morning."

"Oooooh, I like his style. Well, let's try and find something. Maybe in the meantime, I'll start rethinking how much I need to buy." I doubt that she'll put anything back. This girl loves to shop.

We make another walk around the store and I'm finding it hard to find something that falls slightly in line with my style. I want something sexy but not anything gaudy. I finally happen upon a cute little babydoll piece. It's a deep purple with black ribbon and somewhat seethrough. I think it's cute, sexy, and simple and when I hold it up for Ashley to see, she nods and gives me her silent approval. I hold onto it and keep looking, open to the possibility for something a little more sultry.

After searching through endless fishnet and latex body suits, I come across an all black bustier. I already have the perfect thigh highs and panties to match so I add that to my purchase, deciding to be a little adventurous. Ashley starts her check out process and I take this as an opportunity to explore the other things this shop has to offer. Something tells me that the sex toys wouldn't really be Till's thing, unless he's onstage with their keyboardist bent over in front of him. Still, I think he'd prefer to use HIS thing with me. I come to a halt when I see a brand new, very shiny pair of silver handcuffs. I've always wanted to try that out, due to my submissive nature, and something tells me that Till probably wouldn't mind binding me. I sneak them in between my outfits and hope that Ashley doesn't see. I really, really don't need her comments about that.

Someone was smiling down on me today because Ashley gets a phone call and mouths to me that she'll meet me outside. My cheeks burn slightly when I put my items on the counter for the young girl behind the counter. She smiles politely, probably thinking about getting off work more than what I'm buying so the slight embarrassment goes away quickly. I pay and she puts my items in a bright pink plastic bag and wishes me a good day.

 

* * *

 

Ashley and I are sitting in a cafe two blocks from my apartment, drinking coffee and eating pastries when she gets yet another phone call. From the way she answers, I know it isn't her mother. After what seems like an eternity of shameless flirting, she puts whoever she's talking to on hold so she can talk to me.

"Paul wants to know if we want to go to their show Tueday night." I'm a little shocked, not only because they're still talking but because Paul's inviting me to the show. Maybe it's because of Till? But then, why wouldn't Till just invite me?

"Where is it?" She asks him and he gives a quick response.

"Leipzig?"

"If you're okay with a two hour trip, sure." She gives him a yes and then they're off the phone. Short, sweet, and to the point.

"Do you think it's weird that Paul invited me and not Till?" I ask her. I don't think of Till as my boyfriend or anything but still, it sits weird in my mind and I can't stop thinking about it.

"I mean, I guess? I'm sure he invited you because of Till," she answers, pulling her long hair out of her face to take the last bites of her doughnut.

"Have you talked to Paul about Till and I," I ask, taking the last sip of my delicious black coffee. Sure wish I would have been able to drink some of this sooner but better late than never.

"Of course not. That's not our business," she replies very huffily. I didn't think she would sit and gossip about me but I figured it might come up in conversation since we all know each other.

"I don't know, it's a weird situation. I guess I'll ask him about it tonight."

"Maybe he was going to invite you tonight? You never know."

Silence sets in while she finishes her coffee off and as my mind wanders. Maybe the others don't know that we've been seeing each other, if you can even call it that. Maybe he wants to keep me a secret? That really doesn't sit well with me and it really starts bumming me out but I think I'm overthinking everything. I need to try to put it in the back of my head so that it doesn't ruin the evening ahead.

"We'll probably need to get a hotel. Do you want me to make the reservation?" I just say the first thing that comes to mind, just to break the silence. Also, I'm panicking because I quickly have to put a trip together and I've always found it annoying to travel last minute.

"Are you sure? We might need one, if I'm not sleeping with Paul, that is," she says, smirking.

"Aww. Do you like him?" I ask, teasingly. Ashley doesn't do relationships so seeing how this tryst will turn out will be interesting, although it seems someone will probably get their heart broken out of this.

"He's good for a good time. He's definitely made my vacation interesting." She takes another sip of coffee, abruptly ending the conversation about her love life. "So, how was your dinner last night?"

"It went really well. It was super relaxed, even when we talked about personal stuff."

"Personal stuff?" She perks up at the words.

"He asked about my parents. He saw the pictures in my apartment and asked so I just told him and then last night, he was telling me stuff about his family. We have quite a bit in common when it comes to that."

"How deep did you dive into all that?" She looks extremely worried when she asks, knowing very well that there are many hard subjects to talk about when it comes to me.

"Just scratched the surface."

"Are you ready to go back down that rabbit hole?"

"To be honest, no, but I don't know ..." I stop, trying to think carefully about the next words that come out of my mouth, "He makes it really easy and comfortable to talk to him so at least there's that. I'm afraid to talk about things because they're painful to me and as comfortable as he makes me, I don't know what I'm going to do if he wants to know more."

"You'll just have to cross that bridge when you get to it, darlin'," she sighs, taking cash out of her purse to leave for our waitress, "I really need to be around this guy again so I can get a good read on him. Then I feel like I could give you better advice."

"It sounds like you'll be around him soon enough."

"Speaking of, what should I expect at this show? Kyle was telling me that their shows are kind of insane."

"Heat. Lots of heat," I respond, smiling.

 

* * *

 

Kyle is on the couch channel surfing when I get back to the apartment. I drop my goodie bag at the door and give a simple wave before I slump down on the couch next to him.

"Pick up anything good?" He gestures over to the bag that I left by the door. How do I answer that?

"Something like that. Are you staying in tonight?"

"Not sure. Was thinking about going over to Lena's. Why?"

"Till is coming over tonight."

"Oh," he says, trying to stifle a laugh, "Well, I don't want to be here for that. What time?"

"He said around 10."

"I'll give her a call. She did say she has some tests coming up." I'm still learning things about this girl but this one is pretty shocking, considering how Kyle usually doesn't date so young.

"Please tell me she's in college," I plead, not trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"Her last year. I could not handle dating some barely legal girl." There's silence between us for awhile before Kyle starts up another conversation.

"How old is Till?" He catches me off guard, not only from the silence but with his question. Why does he want to know?

"He's 40."

"What's the term for that? Grave robbing?" He starts smirking, knowing damn well what the term was.

"Fuck you," I reply, punching him somewhat hard into the shoulder. He feigns pain before swatting me away.

"The 'getting to know you' phase is the worst, innit? We both hate talking about ourselves."

"It would be better if I didn't have such a shitty history," I reply. I did get a good portion of it out of the way last night but there's still so much more to go. My stomach twinges just at the thought of diving into it again.

"No one's history is perfect. And you know what? You're the strongest person I know because of all that bullshit." Both of my friends have been so kind to me today and I would like to know what I've done to deserve the kindness.

"Are you getting sappy on me," I ask, jokingly.

"Absolutely not." He gets a stern look on his face but then smiles at me, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me into a hug.

"Well, thank you." I lean into him and rest my head against him, enjoying the love he's giving out. Kyle doesn't like to show a lot of emotion but when he does, I try to take advantage of every second. He finally lets go and gets off the couch, taking his cell phone out of his pocket.

"I'm gonna go call Lena." I give him a nod as he walks to his room. Taking a glance at the wall clock, it reads 3:46pm. Almost six hours until Till comes over. What am I going to do in between? Since Kyle is indisposed, I decide to go to my bedroom and boot up my laptop, feeling rather bad that I've neglected it for the last couple of days. Work usually doesn't send us anything on the weekend anyways.

As I go through my work email, it's mostly junk but there's a couple of emails that catch my attention. One is giving me the location of a photoshoot on Wednesday and the other is from our direct boss, Sascha. He tells me that I did an amazing job of putting together some concert footage and that the band wants to work with me again in the future. I'm having an extremely good day. As I start going through my personal emails, my phone starts buzzing in my pocket. It's Till again.

"Hallo?"

"Hallo, Amanda. Am I interrupting something?" He seems a little distressed.

"Oh no, just going through some work stuff. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, just a lot of problems in the studio today. I just wanted to let you know that things are running behind here. I don't think I'll be able to come over until at least midnight. If that's too late for you, I understand." I'm a little bummed but he's still wanting to come over so I try not to get too sad about it.

"No, not at all. I really want to see you," I reply, silently scolding myself at how needy I sound.

"Then I'll be there, Täubchen." I feel my mouth going into a huge smile.

"Can I ask you something? Why Täubchen?"

"How about I tell you that in person?" I really want to know but of course, he's going to keep me in suspense.

"Okay. I'll see you tonight."

"See you tonight."

It's hard to concentrate on anything after talking to him. He has a really good way of preoccupying my thoughts. Hopefully I can stay up that late. The coffee helped for a little while but I still feel like I'm dragging. I close out of my emails and turn off my computer, unable to concentrate on my upcoming work. When I walk back into the living room, Kyle is there, flipping through some skateboard magazine. He takes notice of me as I walk into the kitchen.

"Hey. Did you get a hold of Lena?" Kyle must have bought more groceries because when I open the fridge, I see orange juice that wasn't there this morning.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go over there around 9. Does that work for you?" He throws the magazine on the coffee table when I rejoin him.

"Oh, he actually just called me and he won't be here until around midnight so you're fine. I just hope I can stay awake that long. I hope I'm not putting you out or anything," I reply, ending with a huge yawn. Uh-oh.

"Not at all. I've been spending most of my time there anyways. You want me to leave the door unlocked?" he asks as gets up and heads towards the kitchen.

"No. I'll probably hide my key under the mat for him. Just in case I do end up falling asleep." I hear him scrounging around in the fridge but I'm sure he's still listening.

"I hate to change the subject but have you checked your work email?" He catches me in the middle of my last sip of orange juice.

"I have something for Wednesday. What about you?" He comes back in with his own glass of juice and stands in front of the tv, drinking.

"I'm shooting some art festival Wednesday and Thursday. Looks like the dynamic duo won't be doing this one together."

"I guess not. I'm going somewhere outside of Berlin. Beelitz something? I didn't go over all the details because Till called me but it's just getting some photos for some tourist company."

"What are you doing for dinner? We don't have jack shit here to eat."

"Didn't have any plans. All I've had is coffee, some cheesecake and this orange juice," I reply, holding up my empty glass.

"Let me go change and we can go." He leaves and heads into his bedroom, partly closing the door. I walk over and put my shoes back on and grab my wallet and phone. Kyle comes back out, just putting on a sweatshirt and jeans.

"Where do you want to eat?" I ask, making sure I also have my keys on me before we leave.

"I'm seriously craving some sushi right now." I can't remember if I told him but here lately, I've had a hankering for sushi as well. I don't think I've had it since way before I moved to Berlin. I think I did tell him about a Japanese restaurant that's a few blocks away.

"It's like you can read my mind, man."

 

* * *

 

After grabbing dinner together, we stopped at an English used book store, Kyle knowing that buying books is one of my weaknesses. I was taking so long looking around at books that Kyle came and found me to tell me he was leaving to go home and get ready to see Lena. I stick around until almost closing time, buying a few fiction novels and a poetry book that catches my eye. I always buy way more books than I can keep up with.

As I walk back towards home, I start feeling completely wrecked. I did do quite a bit of walking around the city with both of my friends today. Don't think I'm use to getting this much exercise since I'd been mostly stuck in front of my computer for the last month. I'm afraid that once I get home, I'm going to pass out as soon as I step through the door. Why can't it be like my teenage years when I was awake all night? I pull my cell phone out and try to call Till, getting his voicemail. He said he would be busy so I'm not surprised.

"Hey, it's Amanda. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to leave my key under the mat outside my door so let yourself in. Can't wait to see you."

Once I get back home, I unlock my door first before taking my key off my keyring and placing it under the mat in front of the door. I think this is the most I've been alone since we've moved here. Walking into my bedroom, I place my bag of books on my desk next to my computer and grab the pink bag from earlier, turning it upside down on my bed and watching all the contents fall out.

I decide to wear the babydoll piece and strip out of everything I was wearing earlier today, fluffing my hair with my hands before slipping on the lacey dress. I walk over to my underwear drawer and pull out an all black lacey thong. When I think I've created a sexy ensemble, I take a look in the mirror and it's strange seeing the difference in my reflection. I've only done sexy bras and underwear, sometimes not even that. This definitely boosts my confidence so the purchases were well worth it. Then I noticed the handcuffs box still on my bed and I start to wonder if they'll get used tonight since he's arriving so late. Even so, I'd like to be prepared so I take them out of the box and sneak them into my night table drawer, just in case.

I curl up in bed with one of my new books, hoping it has the same effect as last night and will keep me awake. I don't even get twenty pages in before I drift off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

I'm still mostly asleep when I hear the front door open. There's quiet footsteps leading up to my door until the noise of the door opening takes over. My body is trying to will itself to wake up but I'm still too deep into my sleep. I hear a few more noises before the light next to my bed turns off and a body slips into bed next to me, wrapping its arm around my stomach. This finally wakes me up enough to move my body but I pretend to sleep as I turn on my back.

I feel a pair of lips on my forehead and a small whimper escapes my mouth at his touch. I move my hand on top of his while he shifts around to get more comfortable. Once he stops moving, I start pushing his hand down my stomach.

"Amanda?" he whispers. I wasn't too worried but I'm so glad it's Till's voice that I'm hearing.

"Shhh. I'm asleep," I whisper, trying not to giggle or smile. I hear him laugh quietly before I feel his lips on my forehead.

His hand rests on top of my panties, my hand on top of his. My fingers take control of his and I start pushing his index finger against my clit. I don't have to take control of his hand for long before he gets the idea. He takes his hand away only to put it back, this time under my underwear.

He starts with his middle finger, rubbing small circles on my clit, before he wastes no time at all and plunges deep inside me. His finger slides in easily and I can't help but whimper again. I'm definitely awake now.

"Mmm...you're so wet," he whispers in my ear, nibbling on my earlobe before moving down to my neck. My small whimpers turn into slightly louder moans. Now he knows where my weak spot is. He continues to push his middle finger in and out, adding his index finger to really get me going. I'm so glad Kyle isn't here tonight because there's no controlling how loud I'm being.

Till removes his hand and I'm very displeased until he throws the blanket off of us and crawls in between my legs. He lifts up my nighty and removes my panties swiftly, throwing them over his shoulder with no care about where they land. At this point, the ruse is up and I am paying very close attention to him. I think he's going to start fucking me until he lowers his head into my crotch and starts licking me furiously, something he has yet to do to me.

"Oh god," I yelp, surprised at his swift movements. I've always loved receiving oral sex, like most, but this time seemed incredibly different. He's very aggressive with his movements but he's not sloppy about it, hitting me with an accuracy that has my back arched while I moan so loudly that I'm afraid I'm going to wake the downstairs neighbors. I finally look down at him and when I do, his eyes meet mine as he runs one of his hands up my stomach.

"Holy fuck, you're good at that," I whisper, almost completely out of breath. He pops his head up and smiles, also breathing very hard.

"I love the way you taste," he finally says, pushing some of his long hair out of his eyes before he plunges back in. This time, he grabs a hold of my thighs while one of my hands finds a fistful of his hair. Hopefully, I don't pull any out but he seems to like the tension because he speeds up. His hands move to my hips, holding me down and hindering my squirming.

"Oh fuck, you're gonna make me cum," I cry into the air, knowing very well that I'll finish if I look down at him. I feel the bed shift and when I do finally look down, he's on his knees in front of me, panting. He then hovers over me, putting his two fingers back inside and my body writhes at the sensation. He doesn't bother starting off slow and my toes curl as I grip my bed. My hands go up to his shoulders immediately and my fingertips dig into his skin. One more passionate moan leaves me as that familiar feeling off falling over the edge washes over me and I close my eyes, letting go.

I lay exhausted and trying to catch my breath and when I open my eyes, Till is still leaning over me. I move my hands to his very large biceps while he keeps trying to get his hair out of his eyes. I finally help him, brushing a large piece behind his ear before stopping my hand on his cheek.

"So, you're finally awake," he finally says, snickering.

"I'm definitely awake now," I answer, still trying to catch my breath. He hops off of me and turns on my bedside lamp. We both squint as our eyes adjust to the sudden light and I finally take notice of him. The noises I heard earlier was him taking his clothes off as he's just in his boxers now. I watch him as he bends over to search his pants, pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

He sits down on my bed with his legs extended, pulling out a cigarette and then offering me one. I take it graciously. I don't smoke as much as I use to but after that romp, I crave nicotine. He lights mine first before lighting his own and I hop off the bed, grabbing a coffee mug with a little bit off coffee left in it to use as an ashtray. When I try to hand it to him, he gives me a confused look.

"I don't smoke as much anymore so I don't have an ashtray," I say, taking in the familiar feeling of smoke into my lungs. Why did I quit smoking again? He takes it and I walk to the opposite side and lay on my side, propping my head onto one arm while the other holds my cigarette.

"Sorry that I fell asleep. I stayed up pretty late and then Ashley woke me up super early to go shopping. I really tried to stay awake but my book put me to sleep."

"I can't blame you. We were in the studio much later than I thought we'd be," he replies, tapping some ash into the mug. I guess now would be the time to bring up the show.

"Speaking of that," I start, pulling myself up to a seated position, "Ashley talked to Paul today while we were out and he invited us to your show this week." He takes another puff and exhales, looking like he's thinking about what to say.

"Paul said something to me about inviting your friend earlier. I didn't know he invited both of you." He seems very cool about this entire thing, making me feel rather uncomfortable.

"I said yes. I hope that's okay," I say, looking down at my bed and refusing to make eye contact with him, feeling like a scolded child for whatever reason. I guess I thought I would get more of a reaction.

"Why wouldn't it be? I wanted to invite you myself but I wasn't sure about your work schedule." He takes one last drag and discards his cigarette into the mug. I finish mine as well and do the same.

"I didn't know if that would be awkward or not, considering we just met. I'm not sure if this was something you wanted to keep secret or whatever." I still don't want to look at him so I just fidget with my hands.

"Paul knows I've been coming here to see you. I don't go out of my way to keep you a secret but I'm not very forthcoming with the information because we're just getting to know each other. I don't want to put unjust pressure on you." He grabs my hand to stop my fidgeting and I'm finally able to muster up enough courage to make eye contact with him. When I do, he looks sad and now I feel even worse.

"I'm sorry. I was just confused because Paul was asking me," I reply. He shifts on the bed and positions himself right in front of me, giving me a very serious look.

"Amanda. Would you like to come to the show? I would love for you to be there." I smile and nod and he smiles, looking like he got the answer he wanted.

"I might be staying in Leipzig after the show. I have a photography assignment on Wednesday that isn't far outside of town." I work my way into his lap, straddling him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and looking down at him.

"Where is it," he asks, grabbing my waist and looking up at me.

"Beelitz something. I think it's an old hospital?" I really should have taken the time to read my email more thoroughly but I was way too distracted to think about work today.

"Beelitz-Heilstätten?"

"That sounds right. I didn't read the email very thoroughly."

"That's a little more than an hour outside of Leipzig. You could stay with me, if you want." The thought of sharing a room with him was exciting.

"Like in a hotel?"

"No, I have a home there. That's where I live." That fact hits a little hard but we hadn't really talked about specifics. I guess I just assumed since he was always around here that this is where he lives.

"Oh, I thought you lived here in Berlin."

"I've been staying with Paul while we work on the next album. He lives here in the city. I've invited him to stay with me in Leipzig for the show so as long as you don't mind the company, you and your friend are more than welcome to stay as well." I couldn't believe the offer. It really would be great to save some money by not having to book a hotel and it's even more great to spend more time with Till.

"Are you sure? I don't like to question generosity but we're still somewhat strangers."

"Maybe that's what makes it so exciting. Besides, if you were some kind of murderer, I think I could subdue you." He swiftly flips me over, pinning me down by my wrists. I start laughing and rest my hands on his face when he finally lets me go, pulling him into a very loving kiss.

"I would love to. Thank you so much."

"I only require one thing," he starts, shifting slightly over me, "Let me take you to Beelitz-Heilstätten. I'd love to see it again and to watch you work." He lays down on his side and holds his head up with his hand.

"I guess that's fair. I thought you were going to ask me to pay you with sex for room and board." He starts laughing and pulls me closer to him.

"I think that goes without saying."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be uploaded as it's going to be really heavy. Thank you to everyone who has read and left kudos!

Till and I fell asleep soon after we talked about the upcoming trip. When my eyes flutter open, Till's face is inches from mine. He looks so peaceful and when I go to move, that's when I remember that his arms are wrapped tightly around me. Usually, I need as much space as possible when I sleep because it feels very claustrophobic but I slept through the entire night with no complaints. I want to get up but I'm afraid of waking him up in the process and as I contemplate my next moves, I realize it's silly to just lay there awake when I could be getting ready.

As gently as possible, I lift his arm off of my waist and rest it on the bed. It doesn't even phase him, only letting out a small huff as a response. I've always been so jealous of people who can sleep that deep. I creep off of the bed and tiptoe over to my dresser. I'm sure Kyle, who might be home already, wouldn't want to see my sexy lingerie so I quietly put on a pair of panties, my shorts from yesterday, and I find a gently worn tank top from the pile of clothes on the floor. I really should have done laundry before planning a trip.

I sneak out to the kitchen to get something to drink, trying to be as quiet as I can so I don't wake anyone up. As I steal more of Kyle's orange juice, I notice that my mail stack has gotten larger. Since I can't start packing until Till wakes up, I decide to finally go through most of it. Most of it is junk or bills but one envelope towards the bottom has my address hand written on it but no indicator of who sent it. I open it and start to read:

_Amanda,_

_Please don't be mad at Grandma but I begged her to give me your address so that I could write you. I hope you're doing well. Whenever Grandma talks of you (don't worry, she doesn't give personal information except this once) she says how you're still working in photography and video. I'm glad you found a job doing what you love._

_I guess I'm writing you in hopes you'll finally talk to me. I know we aren't close and I know a lot of that is my fault. I have so many regrets and I know I've wronged you in so many ways. I don't think it would be sufficient to apologize in this letter but I would like to apologize face to face. It seems like you're living in Germany for good but if you ever get a chance, please come home so that we can see you again. I love you._

_-Whitley_

I don't realize that tears are strolling down my face until I'm done reading the letter. I should be mad at my grandmother for giving my sister my address but Whitley more than likely bullied her into giving it up. That's the way she's always been. I made sure before I left that my grandmother knew where I would be, knowing that at least some information would put her mind at ease.

"Guten morgen, frau," I snap my head towards my room and Till is standing there, shirtless and stretching in my door frame. Before I give him my complete eye contact, I slip the letter under the stack of mail and make sure there's no more tears coming down my face. I'm sure my eyes are still red and puffy from crying but there isn't much I can do about that.

"Good morning," I reply, getting up from the table while trying to rub my eyes, "Would you like some coffee?"

"Please. Are you okay?" He walks over and leans against the counter while I pull down the coffee and measure out a fair amount, just in case Kyle is home and wants some.

"Yeah! My eyes are just bugging me," I lie, hip bumping him out of the way of the coffee maker. I hate lying but it would be too much to explain, especially this early in the morning. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Pretty good. I'm not use to sharing a bed with someone," he whispers, pulling me in to plant a kiss on my cheek. As he embraces me, we both hear the other bedroom door open and a scantily clad Kyle walks out. I'm use to seeing him in just his boxers but he probably forgot I was going to have company. Once he stops rubbing his eyes, he sees Till and I making coffee.

"Oh hey. I'm sorry. I forgot there was company." He finds his hoodie from the chair in the living room and slips it on.

"I should make myself decent," Till says directly into my ear. He walks back towards my bedroom when Kyle comes back into the kitchen.

"I'm making coffee," I say, pulling the milk out of the fridge. He just yawns and gives me a nod when Till re-enters the kitchen in what I'm assuming he was wearing yesterday. This is kind of an awkward meeting and I hope he isn't uncomfortable.

"I don't believe we've met yet," Till starts, extending his hand towards Kyle, "I'm Till."

"Kyle," he takes his hand, giving a strong handshake, "Sorry. I'm not very talkative until I've had some coffee."

Till smiles and gives a polite nod. The coffee is done and I take out three mugs. I pour Kyle's halfway full, knowing he likes to put milk in his. I pour straight coffee into mine and ask Till how he takes his coffee.

"Black is fine, thank you." A man after my own heart.

We take a seat at the kitchen table, Kyle shuffling around the mail so it isn't in the way. We all take sips and sit in silence, Kyle looking back and forth between us and looking like he's either searching for something to say or already knows what he wants to say.

"So, you're in Rammstein," he finally says. I know that's all he knows about him but really? That's your opening?

"Yes," Till responds, looking like he really doesn't know what else to say about that.

"I went to your show with Amanda not too long ago. It was really cool. I heard you guys in a CD shop and told her about you. She loves just about anything with synths." I shoot him a "what the fuck" look and just try and laugh it off, Till doing the same thing.

"Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the show." I take this as an opportunity to change the subject.

"Ashley and I are going to Leipzig to see their show tomorrow. I'll be staying there until at least Wednesday," I say, taking the final sip of coffee.

"Maybe longer," Till interjects.

"Cool. Did you figure out where your assignment is?" He starts going through his own mail while we continue to sit at the table. I look over at Till, trying to remember what the place was called.

"Beelitz-Heilstätten," Till answers, "It's an old lung clinic."

"Sounds right up your alley, Amanda." I get up from the table and take Till and I's mug, knowing that Kyle isn't close to finishing his. While I start washing out the mugs, I hear Kyle get up from the table, exhaling loudly from stretching out.

"I'm gonna go get some work done. It was nice meeting you, Till." I see Till give a friendly smile before Kyle walks back to his room, cup of coffee in tow, and closes his bedroom door.

"He's very talkative," Till says, trying hard not to be sarcastic. I come up behind him, bending over to put my arms around him.

"He's that way with new people. Don't take it personally," I whisper, giving him a peck on the cheek before sitting back down, "So what is the plan? We should probably come up with an idea of what we're doing today."

"I think that you should pack your things and then we'll go over to Paul's and I'll grab my things and then we can make the drive to Leipzig together." I keep forgetting he has a car. I've gotten so use to walking or taking trains everywhere.

"It shouldn't take me long to pack. I just have to make sure I have all of my camera equipment. Ashley, on the other hand, will probably take forever. I should probably give her a call." I get up from the table and walk towards my room, grabbing my phone off my nightstand and dialing Ashley.

"Hello?" She sounds grumpy, which is always a great sign.

"Hey. Are you with Paul?" I pull out my suitcase and toss it onto my bed. Step one completed.

"Mm-hmm."

"Good. Till is here and we came up with a plan for today. I'm going to pack and we're heading to Paul's to get Till's things." Till comes back into my room and takes a seat at my desk. Hopefully I can finish packing quickly so he doesn't get too bored.

"I'm already here."

"That works out then. I didn't book a hotel because Paul is staying with Till and he's offered to have us stay as well. He wants to come with me to my assignment on Wednesday so I'll be staying in Leipzig until then."

"Mmmkay. When will you be here? I have to go to my hotel and get my things." She's barely used her hotel room. She might as well cancel her reservation at this point and save some money.

"In an hour or so. Is that enough time to pack your five suitcases?" We're both very cranky in the morning when we first wake up so I don't take any offense when she doesn't laugh at my awful joke.

"We'll see about that. Bye." She hangs up. I start grabbing some t-shirts out of my closet and packing them neatly into my suitcase. I've done so much packing in my life that I've basically got it down to a science.

"Are you only staying until Wednesday?" We didn't really talk about how long I would stay but I don't want to overstay my welcome. If I were staying in a hotel, I would probably feel different but since it's his home, the last thing I want to be is a nuisance.

"I mean, I thought that was the plan. Wouldn't want to overstay my welcome." I move over to the other side of my room start looking through my vinyl collection, looking for something to listen to while I pack. I end up pulling out Music for the Masses and hope that Till won't mind. I just work more efficiently when there's music playing.

"You can stay as long as you'd like. We're stepping away from the studio for a week to figure out what our next step is," he says as I continue to fold my clothes into my suitcase. Where is this going?

"I feel like you would grow extremely tired of me after a few days. I mean, we're already on day three," I respond, chuckling to lighten the mood.

"I would never," he says, getting up from my desk and walking over to where I keep all of my vinyl while I continue to pull things out of my dresser and put them into my suitcase. I'm already so close to being finished.

"Kyle was right," he blurts out suddenly. When I finally look up, I see that he has a couple of Depeche Mode vinyls in his hands. "You really like synths."

"I've found synths add something whimsical to certain songs," I start, grabbing a couple pairs of shoes and my camera bag from my closet and sitting them on the bed, "and for other songs, it can add something dark or gloomy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think they're great for setting the tones of a song."

"You and Flake would get along great," he chuckles, putting the vinyl back exactly where he found them while continuing to look through them. If only he knew there's no organizational system in place and my entire collection is in disarray.

"Who is that?" This is a name I haven't heard yet.

"Our keyboardist. You'll meet him at the show." He must have been the one missing from the night at the bar. I guess he's also the one that Till ejaculates on onstage. I really hope I get to see that again.

"This is more of my taste," he says, pulling out Constrictor by Alice Cooper.

"That was my dad's. Quite a bit of what I have was his. I've added a lot to it over the years."

"I think you're the only person I know who still listens to a record player. CD's have taken over the world."

"My dad bought that for me for my 15th birthday. When he died, he left me everything, including his vinyl collection. I think after he died, collecting it helped me cope with a lot of shit."

"You continue to surprise me," he says before sitting down next to my luggage while I take one last look through my camera bag. I haven't done a lot of photography over the last month so realistically, everything should still be in there but with my luck, I'd forget something. I zip it back up once I see that everything is in order.

"Sorry if I'm taking too long. I hope I'm not putting you behind," I finally chime, breaking the silence. I feel bad that he's just been sitting around while I gather my things but after putting my laptop on top of everything, I think I'm finally done. I don't think I'll be on it very much but I like to bring it just in case I need to get in touch with someone from work. Now I just need to get dressed.

"You're fine. I didn't do much unpacking at Paul's. Besides, it's nice to explore your room during the day," he responds, giving a small chuckle. I've almost forgot that he hasn't been here when there's natural light flowing through. I grab my last pair of jeans out of my dresser and throw it on top of everything sitting on the bed, along with a bra and a tank top. As I go to take off my shirt, I forget that I'm not alone and Till is watching.

"Don't gawk," I laugh, turning around so he can only see my back.

"How can you be so shy? I've already seen you naked," he replies. I hear him get off my bed and he walks up behind me, wrapping his arms around my stomach and resting his chin on my shoulder, having to hunch down quite a bit to do so. I somehow get my bra on with him still clinging to me.

"But I'm at my cutest when I'm bashful," I say, pulling my shorts off and grabbing my jeans off my luggage. He lets go as I put them on, doing a little bit of hopping to get them in place. When I turn around, he's sitting down on the bed again. I slip my tank top on quickly.

"I think I'm ready." I pull on a hoodie and when my head pops out of the fabric, I see that Till has grabbed both of my bags and heads out of my bedroom door. I quickly put my shoes on and knock on Kyle's door before opening it. He's lounging on his bed with his laptop, obviously not working hard at all.

"I'm leaving now. I'll see you in a few days." Kyle gets up and gives me a quick hug.

"Be safe. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

 

* * *

 

I'm pleasantly surprised to find that Ashley is completely ready when Till and I arrive at Paul's home. It was only a 15 minute drive from my apartment and when we pull into the driveway, I can see Paul carrying Ashley's luggage outside. He waves at me as Till leaves the car to grab his things. Ashley comes outside and waves at me as I get out, lingering by the car since I'm already ready to go.

"Hey. Do you have everything," I ask, surprised that she brings me into a hug. She's not completely devoid of emotion but she's never been much of a hugger. Paul is having a strange effect on her.

"I think so. You know me, I always forget something anyways." We wait in silence for the guys to come back, Paul being the first one to exit.

"Hallo, Amanda!" He walks over and brings me into a hug and lays a small peck on my cheek. We didn't get the chance to talk that night in the bar because he was so wrapped up in Ashley but he's greeting me like he's known me for years. Ashley must have been talking about me. Either way, his friendliness is very endearing.

"Hey Paul. Excited about the show?"

"Of course. Playing live is the best. I'm glad you can come with us. But what am I saying? You said you were at our last show! It's you who are in for a treat..." he points to Ashley and she blushes. They start doing cutesy couple things and just as I'm starting to feel like a third wheel, Till comes out of the house with a couple of bags.

"That should be everything. You can lock up now," he says, lugging both of the bags over his shoulders like they're nothing. Paul jogs back over to his door and Ashley climbs into the backseat. I walk to the trunk area and shift things around to try and help him.

"The black bag is your camera equipment, right?" I nod and he makes sure to set his bags down on the opposite side.

"I'm surprised Ashley only packed one bag this time," I point out.

"I heard that, bitch," Ashley says loudly from inside the car, holding her middle finger up in the air. Till and I start laughing as Paul joins us with both his and Ashley's luggage.

"We've almost run out of room," Paul comments, putting the final bags in. Till shifts all the bags as far away from my camera bag as possible before he closes the trunk. When he makes eye contact with me, I give him a big smile as a thank you and we get into our unofficial assigned seats. Paul gets in the back with Ashley while I sit in the front with Till. It isn't long before we're on the road for our trip, the car filled with mostly silence except whispers between Paul and Ashley.

"So how did you two meet," Paul asks loud enough so I can hear him.

"In school," Ashley replies.

"We had to take some form of a music class and I couldn't afford an instrument so I was forced to take choir. Ashley and I were sat next to each other and we found amusement in making fun of our choir teacher," I answer.

"She was a real bitch. She had that stupid conductor stick thing and would flick it at our faces! We had a lot of fun together though. I'm an awful singer but Amanda got a bunch of solos when we did recitals," Ashley says, leaning forward to pat me on the shoulder.

"So you're a singer?" Till chimes in and asks, giving me a glance before putting his eyes back on the road.

"Oh no. I was forced because no one else volunteered," I answer.

"Don't let her bullshit you. She's really good. Luckily for me, my awful singing was masked by about 30 other people. The only fun I had in that class was sitting next to her," Ashley says, pointing towards me.

"Still wish I could have taken music but you're a pretty good consolation prize," I say, turning my head towards the back. Ashley scoffs and then starts laughing.

"You ended up learning to play drums anyways," she announces. I see Paul perk up in the back as Till looks over at me, pleasantly surprised.

"You know how to play drums?" I look over at him and smile.

"Barely," I answer honestly.

"Stop being modest, Amanda! Don't let her fool you," Ashley starts, "She picked it up very quickly."

"I had to pick it up quickly. We had friends that wanted to enter a talent show and they needed a drummer so I spent a week learning how to drum a couple of songs. We came in last place," I say laughing at the memories.

"But even after that, you use to practice on my dad's drum kit. What was the name of the band? I can't remember. It was something super dumb," Ashley asks, looking like she's racking her brain of a very old memory.

"I don't remember what our school appropriate name was but our unofficial name was Satan Skullfuck," I admit, embarrassingly. Paul starts cracking up in the back while Till looks over me in disbelief, chuckling as well.

"That's right!" Ashley starts laughing incredibly hard as well.

"Can we get a reunion so you can tour with us," Paul asks, still reeling from laughter.

"Only if you want to book the worst opening band in the history of music," I reply. This opens up a floodgate of memories that I hadn't thought about in a very long time. My amusing mood starts fading fast and I get lost in my own head. As we drive outside of the city, we drive by what looks to be abandoned factories. Ashley leans forward and taps me on the shoulder.

"That looks like the warehouse we slept in that one time." Why must she bring this stuff up, especially when I'm already preoccupied from the memories already going through my head? I just nod and stay quiet, hoping she just leaves it at that. I see Till look over at me from the corner of my eye but I refuse to make eye contact. He grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine, putting me slightly at ease. There's a lot that I still haven't told him but I want to. God, do I want to! I'm just so afraid that he'll think less of me.

Paul starts talking some more but it sounds like white noise to me. Ashley really brought up some horrible memories and they're consuming my brain. Till squeezes my hand and I finally look over at him, giving him a small, very fake smile. As they all continue to talk, my head falls against the window and I watch as parts of Germany pass before my eyes and eventually I fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

The dream I'm in is very vivid and I'm awakened very suddenly, my mind telling me to come back to life. When I open my eyes, I see that I'm in a driveway of what I'm assuming is Till's home. I roll my neck and shoulders to relieve some of the tension of sleeping uncomfortably when Ashley knocks on my window.

"Come on! Till already brought your stuff in." I give her a simple nod as I open the car door. Till's home is very simple, something I could have saw coming from a mile away. He seems like someone who doesn't need a lot of things and I can fully appreciate that. I follow Ashley through the front door and we're immediately in a living area. It's a very warm room, filled with many bookshelves but there's also a small TV in front of a beige colored sofa. Paul comes into the room, a big smile on his face.

"You're awake," he exclaims. I smile, embarrassed that I slept for most of the car trip. I've always had this habit of falling asleep in cars, mainly on trips that are more than an hour. I'm surprised they didn't wake me up, especially Ashley. I don't even remember stirring.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Guess I was a little tired. How long have we been here?"

"Not long. We just got the bags in here when I came to check on you. I'm surprised that the trunk closing didn't wake you," Ashley answers, leaning against the back of Till's sofa. Paul walks over to her, putting his arm around her shoulders.

"I'm surprised as well. You know how lightly I sleep," I add, rubbing my eyes. After my eyes get a little more acclimated, I start looking around Till's house. I see that there's an open space that leads to a small kitchen. When am I going to get the tour?

"Let me show you where I put your stuff," he says, motioning Ashley towards a door to my left. As they start walking towards it, Paul starts speaking again.

"Till is in his bedroom over there," he says, pointing at another door across the way. I give him a small nod and they disappear in what I'm assuming is the guest bedroom. I give Till's door a small knock before I enter. He's unpacking some of his clothes into a dresser and my bags are on his bed. His room is filled with a lot of black and grey tones, very fitting of his style.

"Hallo, Sleeping Beauty," he says, looking happy to see me.

"Hi. I'm sorry I fell asleep. Car rides make me really tired sometimes."

"There's nothing to apologize for." He walks over to me and puts his hands gently on my face before placing a small kiss on my lips. When he takes them off, I wrap my arms around his torso and hug him. I hold him close as I rest my head on his chest. Ever since Ashley talked about those things in the car, I've been in just a strange mood and I'm in some desperate need of contact.

"Are you alright," he asks, resting his hand on top of my head.

"Mm-hmm." I could stay here forever.

"I hate to interrupt this but I need to go to the store to pick up things for dinner. Is there anything you need?" I let him go and take a step back from him, taking a seat on his bed next to my things.

"No, I'm okay. Thank you though."

"My room is a little small so feel free to put your things wherever you can find some room."

He grabs his wallet and keys from the top of his dresser and he opens the door, waiting for me come through it. We walk out into the living room and it's silent and empty. He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek before he's out the front door. I decide to try and find a spot for my things and when I walk back into his room, the urge to look around takes over. I'm not going to go through his drawers or anything but at quick glance, I can tell he's a minimalist. His furniture is very basic and nothing seems out of place, almost like he's never here.

I sit down in a black chair that's in the corner. There's a stand near it that's stacked high with many German books, mostly poetry books. As I start looking through some of them, I realize that the one on top doesn't have any kind of title on the spine. When I open the book, I feel instant guilt when I see all the handwriting. It's obviously a journal that Till writes in. I read through some of it, not being able to help myself. There's many scattered sentences along with actual poems. I flip to the last page and it's dated the day after we met.

_Lay your face on a sheet of paper. It's already a poem and will live._

His words strike me like lightning. The way he sews words together is breathtaking and as much as I want to read more, I know I need to stop snooping. I close the book and lay it back on top. Hopefully it looks undisturbed. I stay sitting in the chair, staring at my stuff and losing the urge to do anything with it at this moment. When I close my eyes, I feel everything I was feeling earlier but ten times deeper, like small knives being thrust into my sides.

_"Amanda, you cannot keep doing this! You will die if you keep doing this and I won't let that happen!"_

Her shrieking words ring through my ears once again. My chest feels like there's a thousand pounds on top of it. I frantically get out of the seat and head towards the door, pulling it open hard. I still didn't get a tour of the house but I see a backyard from kitchen. I rush through the kitchen and open the back door, the autumn air hitting my face and helping me calm down. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a long time but I know one when it comes on. Why does it have to happen now? I'm just glad Till isn't here to see it.

There's a couple of lawn chairs with a patio table right outside the door. They look like they've been barely used and I take a seat at the table, hanging my head in my hands. I start breathing in and out in counts of five and it helps me calm down. I haven't had to do this in so long. Once my breathing becomes regular again, tears start falling down my face and I pull my knees up to my chest, resting my forehead on my knees. I'll take the tears as long as I can breathe normally.

"Hey, are you okay?" I look up and Paul is standing in the doorway. I quickly try and wipe my tears away.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I thought you were hanging out with Ashley." He walks over and takes the other seat across the patio table. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers me one. I gladly take it and he passes me his lighter.

"She fell asleep. I don't think she'll ever get use to the time change."

"She also sleeps like she's in a coma," I add, taking a puff off my cigarette. I regret quitting since I can now remember how much it really helps me relax. Money was a little tight for awhile so I made that sacrifice, as much as it sucked for the first two months. We sit in silence for a few minutes before he finally speaks up.

"What's wrong?" When I look over at him, he's staring hard at me, like he already has a filter on and ready to see through my bullshit. He seems like he's actually concerned and maybe talking to someone outside of all this will help me.

"I was having an anxiety attack. I don't think I've had one in like, four years."

"You've seemed really tense since we left Berlin. I hope asking about you and Ashley didn't cause this." He looks genuinely saddened and I can't believe that he thinks he's offended me. I take the last drag off the cigarette and put it out in the ashtray that was already sitting on the table.

"No, not at all! Ashley brought up some things that I hadn't thought about in a really long time and I think it just put me in a funk." Paul finishes his cigarette and extinguishes it in the ashtray as well. He shifts in his chair and crosses his legs, looking closely at me.

"Are they bad memories?"

"Yes and no," I finally say, trying to think carefully of my next words, "I'll probably sound like an asshole when I say this but I didn't have a very easy life. A lot of bad things happened, some of those being of my own self destruction. I think my anxiety flared because I'm scared of telling those things to Till. I want to tell him about it before things get too serious. If that's where it's going, that is." Now it's Paul that looks like he's carefully choosing his words.

"Are you a criminal? Did you kill someone?" I start laughing at his questions and it puts my body at ease.

"No. Nothing like that," I answer.

"I don't know what happened to you and you're not obligated to tell me but if you want my opinion, I think the scariest thing to you is having to come face to face with it all over again." His words resonate hard with me. It's been very obvious that I squirm away at any mention of the past, whether it's ignoring it, getting angry or upset, or just walking away. I start tearing up again.

"Oh god, I didn't mean to make you cry," Paul says, moving uncomfortably in his chair.

"No, it's..." I start, wiping away tears and trying to talk through them, "I think I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that from someone outside of all this. I thought maybe you and Ashley have talked about me since you've been spending time together."

"We've talked about you but she's never given me anything too personal. She's only said that you've had a lot of difficulties that were undeserved. She also talks about how you're the most important person in her life," he replies, smiling. Hearing that cheers me up quite a bit.

"She did a lot for me. She still does a lot for me. I think it'd take a couple of lifetimes to make up for all of it."

"I think your friendship is good enough," he says, getting up from his chair. It looks like he's walking towards the door but before he gets there, he stops in front of me and squats down, looking at me at direct eye level.

"I've known Till for many years. He's always been attracted to very strong women and I have a feeling that you're stronger than you think you are. From what Ashley says about you, I think he's found someone who is his perfect match but isn't afraid to challenge him. My advice is to not be afraid of him. He hasn't had a lot of luck in the love department but I don't know. This time feels different." He smiles and rests his hands on my shoulders, lightly squeezing them.

I pull him in for a deep hug and we stay there for awhile. I was afraid that he would be spooked because we barely know each other but he's very understanding, only breaking apart when we hear the front door open. Paul grabs my hand and helps me up and we walk back inside the house. Till carries two brown paper bags to the island in the middle of the kitchen.

"Need some help, my friend?" Paul asks, already walking over to the bags to help unpack them.

"You could help me cook," Till answers, making a beeline towards me, He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me into a hug, laying a tender kiss on my forehead.

"Are you okay, Täubchen?" Paul snickers at the nickname, continuing to take things out of the bags. I pull his face down to mine and lay a very tender kiss upon his lips.

"Yeah, Till," I answer, "I'm good." When I look over at Paul, he smiles and gives me a wink and I feel at ease for the first time all day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can have some triggering issues so please be aware.

Till and Paul cooked up a very scrumptious meal of sausages and potatoes. I felt like such a pig with how much I ate but it was so good that I couldn't stop eating. It was so much fun sitting around with everyone as well. It almost felt like a family dinner. Till and Paul did a lot of joking around, talking about old times before Rammstein and being on tour. It was concerning that anytime Paul would bring up the new album, Till did everything to talk about something else. He must be so stressed out about it.

Once dinner is over and Paul and Ashley get up from the table, I shoo them off and start stacking dishes to bring to the kitchen sink. It's the least I can do for the amazing dinner and being able to stay here for what seems like nothing. As I start washing the dishes, Till comes up behind me, sitting some glasses down next to the sink.

"I can do this," he says, laying his hand on my shoulder.

"Please. It's the least I can do for the great dinner. You're a very good cook." I smile as I start running water and suds over the plates.

"I had to learn after getting divorced." I love getting to know him but he keeps dropping these facts so leisurely that his nonchalance is more shocking than what he's actually divulging. He is a bit older than myself so it's not a surprise that he's been married before.

"You were married?" I ask, continuing washing off the plate in my hands. Till grabs a dish towel and takes the plate out of my hands.

"Twice, actually. I was really young the first time. The second time was...well, I don't really know how to explain that," he answers, giving a little chuckle at the end. I look up at him and meet his eyes with half amusement, half concern.

"Would you get married again?" I'm full of questions and that one is kind of important. I've never been in a rush to get married since my parents absolutely despised each other after their divorce but I would like to think one day that I'll be ready to take the dive. Whoever ends up marrying me is stuck with me for life because I won't become my parents. I'm only getting married once and never getting divorced. Guess I better make sure it's my soul-mate. Shaking those thoughts away, I hand him the final dish for him to dry and wash my hands off.

"I like to think so. Third time's the charm, right?" He hands me the dish towel to wipe off my hands and after I'm done, I throw the towel around his neck and pull him in for a kiss, hopefully extinguishing the marriage talk.

"Do you think about getting married?" He asks me, holding me at my waist and gently swaying me in rhythm with his own body. Guess it was wishful thinking.

"Not actively. I'm still wanting my career to take off a little more before I settle down," I reply, resting my head against his chest and closing my eyes.

"How modern of you," he chuckles, resting his hands on the small of my back. We stand there motionless, just taking in the silence that surrounds us. The only sound I can hear is the air going in and out of his lungs. I tilt my head to his left side and then listen to his heart beat. It's amazingly soothing.

"We're going to bed. Goodnight Till! Goodnight Amanda!" I don't even bother lifting my head when I tell Paul goodnight. Till rests his chin on the top of my head, shouting his goodnight into the air.

"So what do you normally do in the evening when you aren't entertaining guests?" I ask him, bringing my arms up to his shoulders. I have to stand on my tippy toes to get my arms even halfway around them.

"I read and write. If I'm not feeling creative enough, I'll watching something on television. What would you like to do?" He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me in very close. I still haven't fully recovered from my panic attack and I involuntary flinch at his touch. He lets me go and before he speaks up, I interrupt him.

"I'm gonna go change into something a little more comfortable and then we'll find some trouble to get into," I say, giving him a small smile before my eyes hit the floor and I walk to his bedroom. I ended up setting my bags down his reading chair. I find a pair of pajama pants and I exchange my jeans for them, leaving my tank top from today on but taking my bra off. There's a knock on the door and when I answer, Till walks in and sits down on the bed.

"I know I've asked this already but are you sure you're okay? It seems like you've been bothered ever since the car trip." I sit down next to him and pull my knees up to chest, staring down at my feet. While I gather my thoughts, there's complete silence not just in our room but in the house. My nerves start setting in.

"I had a panic attack today after you left," I finally say, letting out a breath as the last word leaves my mouth.

"What brought this on?" His torso shifts towards me, taking my hand in his and I feel like I can finally look at him. The worry in his eyes hurts my heart.

"I think it was Ashley talking about old times. It's stuff I haven't thought about in a long time, at least as long as I've been living here. I've been starting to worry as well."

"Why are you worried?"

"Because if this is going to become something, I would rather be completely honest about myself up front rather than you finding something out about me you don't like and want to leave when I'm invested. I'm sorry if I'm making assumptions about us but I have a lot of reservations."

He lightly chuckles at that, as if he thinks I'm very being incredibly silly. "You aren't. I wouldn't have invited you here if I wasn't intrigued by you. It would take a lot for you to scare me away." I stand up and pace in front of his bed, looking at the floorboards.

"Are you sure about that?" I finally speak. When I look at him, he looks incredibly hopeful. Oh, how I'm about to break things down.

"I'm all ears. Tell me about your life."

"Every time you've asked me that, my stomach lurches. I don't even know where to begin."

"At the beginning," he says, scooting back to lean against his headboard. I sit at the edge and face away from him and take a deep breath.

"You already know about my parents being divorced and them passing away. I lived with my mom most of the time and she remarried not very long after she divorced my dad. His name was John. He was this super Christian conservative asshole who thought that I worshipped the devil whenever I listened to 'that Satan music.' I hated him so much, not only for that but I just knew deep down in my fucking soul that he was the worst human being. My sister is five years older than me and before I started high school, she was already moved out and off doing whatever the hell she was doing. We're complete opposites and she didn't really try and talk to me or spend time with me or anything so I was alone, except for the few friends I had. After my mom died, I was put into the care of John since my dad had already passed away. I spent most of my time finding ways to never be home because he always gave me a really bad feeling and he didn't care what the fuck I did anyways. There was one night when I couldn't find any friends to stay with and so I went home. That was the night that he tried to rape me."

I look over at Till and he has is fists clenched and his whole body goes rigid. "Fuck," he utters, barely above a whisper. I haven't heard Till use a lot of curse words so I assume that when he says them, he really means them.

"He got very close but luckily for me, my dad taught me how to fight. I punched him square in the nose and I was able to get away from him and I just ran. I ran until my legs gave out and I ended up sleeping in the woods behind this rich neighborhood. It would be a place I would sleep whenever I couldn't stay with Ashley or crash on someone's couch. This was when I started sleeping in public areas and refusing to go home and be assaulted again. Being assaulted like that truly warped my brain and so I would do almost anything to make those thoughts and feelings go away. I started partying a lot, relying on older guys to buy me booze and cigarettes. It got to the point where I started doing drugs."

This is the second time I glance over for a reaction. His face doesn't really change but I know that he's listening very intently. "What drugs?"

"Cocaine, mostly. It was pretty much the only thing you could get in the area at the time. Of course, it had to be the most life destroying one," I answer, chuckling just to ease some of the tension I was feeling.

"For how long?"

"About a year. I managed to graduate high school and after that, I was free to do whatever the hell I wanted. Ashley tried things with me but it never went past experimenting. She knew something was wrong with me pretty quickly because I was uncontrollable. She got really suspicious when I was staying at her house or my friend Corey's cabin out in the woods more than I was going home. Well, she thought I was going home. There was one night that I couldn't find a place to sleep so I went to this burnt down warehouse outside of town. Ashley followed me there and grilled me about why I wouldn't go home and I broke down and told her everything. About the drugs, about the assault, I finally cracked. She stayed with me that night because I was too paralyzed by the release of everything I had held inside. The next day, she took me to her parents house and begged them to let me stay there. They refused until she told them about what John tried to do."

"Why wouldn't they let you stay?" I shift to sit on my legs.

"Ashley would never tell you but they're pretty rich. I never knew the exact answer but I guess they thought that I was this drug addict who was going to corrupt their daughter. At least, I think that's what her mom thought. Her dad and I got along great. He actually took me to John's house to get my things." It's the first time that Till's expression changes from anger from sympathy to just straight anger.

"You went back there? That's insane!" I hold my hand up, hoping that's enough to bring him down.

"I went back when he was at work. I think he thought that I would eventually have to come crawling back home so all my stuff was still there and I still had a key. We spent a couple of hours loading up a truck of my things, a lot of that being my dad's stuff. There's no way none of that was staying with that monster."

"Did you ever see him again or find out what happened to him?"

"Well, I was getting to that. The reason my sister and I _REALLY_ don't talk anymore is because I told her not long after it happened but she didn't believe me. She just assumed I was making everything up for attention, calling me an attention seeking drug addict. I haven't seen or talked to her since that day. She wrote me a letter that I was reading this morning in my kitchen when you came out. She was saying that she wants to apologize or whatever. But to answer your question, the last thing I heard about John was that he was indicted for possession of child pornography. Guess she figured that if he's capable of that, he was capable of raping a 16 year old." I start tearing up, not at the almost rape, not at the drug abuse, but at the reminder of being alone for so long. Till moves towards the end of the bed, pulling me into his arms as I try not to sob.

"So how was living with Ashley?" I silently thank him for the subject. I sit up, wiping my tears away.

"It was really bad at first. I didn't go to rehab or anything so it consisted of them locking me in a room while I went through a detox. It sounds awful but they really didn't know what to do with me and it probably saved my life. They made sure I had food and water, there was a bathroom in the guest room so that wasn't a problem. I still don't remember a lot of it but snippets come back to me. Ashley told me that I did a lot of screaming and crying, begging for someone to just kill me. I woke up one night and Ashley was asleep next to me. She left the door unlocked and I went outside for the first time in days. Feeling that cold air hit my face after sweating everything out of my system felt exhilarating. It was the first time I had felt alive." He starts rubbing my lower back and it feels great. He's so incredibly comforting.

"Did staying there help?"

"It was hard but I think it did. I don't think I would have survived being committed somewhere. When I went outside that first night, I went out to their garage, just to be somewhere different for awhile. I found Ashley's dad's drumkit there. I just started beating the hell out of it and it felt really good. There was an old loveseat in there and I ended up tuckering myself out and falling asleep on it. I woke up to Ashley screaming and hugging me." Till pulls half my body on top of him, moving the hand under my back to my hair.

"Screaming? What happened?"

"She thought that I broke out and went to get drugs. She was crying and screaming at me for scaring her. We just sat there in silence for awhile and honestly, after leaving that room for the first time, I felt more alive than I ever had before." There's a silence and I'm not sure of what to say next, realizing that most of my secrets are now out in the open. I do feel some relief but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"So it sounds like you battled some hard demons and won." I just shrug in response.

"I haven't done drugs since," I start, pulling my hair out of my face, "It was hard because all my friends still wanted to party and do drugs and be crazy. One of those being my eventual boyfriend, Andy."

"I don't know if I want to hear about your ex-boyfriends." I look up at him and it seems like he's uncomfortable hearing about it.

"I can make that story really short. I dated him for two years after I got sober and he ended up missing the partying life and cheated on me with one of our good friends. Ashley wasn't wrong when she said I wanted to get as far away from him as possible." I climb fully on top of him, resting my chin into his chest while looking down at him. His hands move to my hips.

"So you traveled to the other side of the world just to get away from him," he asks, trying not to laugh but he does. I start laughing too and it feels good. It feels so fucking amazing to have finally gotten the worst off my chest.

"Partly. After getting over the drugs, I went to school for digital media production and Kyle was there with me. He really kept me motivated to finish and when I did, one of my teachers told me about a position working overseas. I got a work visa and I came here. This has probably been the happiest I've been since before my dad died." He pulls me forward, my forehead touching his and he lays a very soft but very intense kiss on me. When he's done, he brushes a few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"I think you've shared enough for one night without saddening yourself about your father."

"How are you still here? How have you not run away?"

"For one, this is my house," he chuckles, stretching out below me, "and secondly, I think it is amazing how you have overcome so much. I could feel that you had a lot of hurt in you and I did not want to push you into telling me until you were comfortable and ready. You should give yourself more credit."

I huff, crawling off of him and laying down next to him. "I'm very self deprecating. Most of the time, I don't think that I deserve good things. I guess that's why I'm surprised that you still want to be around me."

He crawls over top of me, like he has in past nights when he's ready to pounce. "Am I a good thing? I'm flattered."

"You know what I mean. Sometimes I just need to remind myself."

"I am more than happy to remind you. Remind you how sweet," he kisses my throat.

"Caring," he continues, also continuing his kisses down to my chest.

"Funny," He lifts my shirt and runs his tongue down my stomach.

"Sexy," He pulls down my pajama pants and I let him, watching him closely.

"And delicious you are."

I sit up quickly, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him down to the bed next to me. I'm surprised at how easy it is and how he actually lets me do this because in the next moment, he's laying back down on his bed with me at his knees.

"Oh no you don't. You did something for me last night. I think tonight is my turn."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the patience! I had written half of this chapter and left it alone for awhile so that I could write it with more of a clear head. I'm also working on a second story and that's taken up some of my time. Please leave some comments. I love reading them!

**Author's Note:**

> So I posted this chapter around a month ago and after coming back to it, I was really unhappy with it so I took it down and fleshed it out a bit more, also changing the title of the story. Thank you to those couple of comments on it that I received before taking it down. Constructive criticism is always welcome because I'm still fairly new to writing and I would like to improve on it. I would appreciate comments on what you think of the story. Thank you!


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